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Part 3- Eggaxtly What They Don't Need... (Yet Another Pun Title)


Officer 1BDI

A/N: Well, the third part's _finally_ here. Not the most exciting of chapters (and not the longest, either), but the plot should pick up soon. Enjoy!

P.S.: Yes, it's still X-Mas in the story...



Leela (carrying Aaron) is wandering around the office, still looking for Fry. She's about to head into the kitchen, but Bender and Amy cut her off, each carrying one end of Kif. Kif, meanwhile, is unconscious, and of course doesn't notice Bender raiding his pockets.

LEELA: (staring at Kif) What happened to him?

AMY: *sigh* He's allergic to eggs, and he saw Bender cooking one and sort of freaked out. (Thinks for a second) Actually, I'm not sure why he freaked out...

LEELA: Have you guys seen Fry? I can't find him anywhere.

BENDER: How the hell should I know? I've been slaving over a hot, X-Mas omelette the whole morning!

AMY: An _omelette_? You don't _boil_ an egg to make an omelette!

BENDER: You don't?

AMY: F'luh!

BENDER: Fine! (Drops his end of Kif) I'll go make a new one...


Bender storms into the kitchen, grumbling. He glances over towards the egg and scowls... until he notices that it's about quadrupled in size. Now it takes up the entire pot.

BENDER: What the..?

He sets the pot off the stove and tries to pull the egg out, but to no avail. The thing's stuck inside. He takes the pot and swings it at the fridge, egg and all, hoping to at least shatter it. There's a good sized dent in the fridge now, but the egg remains unharmed.

BENDER: Aw, screw this!

He takes the pot and egg and shoves them into his chest cavity. Rosa and Chad enter the room.

ROSA: Is Philip here?

BENDER: Nah, he's been gone for a few hours.

ROSA: Oh... (SOTTO) Damn, I didn't tell him... (to Bender) Well, we have to be heading back.

CHAD: (SOTTO) Finally...

ROSA: (ignoring him) Could you just tell him thanks again for inviting us?

BENDER: Yeah, whatever.

The couple exit. Meanwhile...

CUT TO- EMPLOYEE'S LOUNGE the employee's lounge, Kif is sprawled out on the couch, while Amy stands by, concerned. He begins to come to a few seconds later.

KIF: Uhhh...

AMY: Kiffie? Are you okay?

KIF: *moan* I had the worst dream... that robot you work with was making omelettes with...

AMY: That wasn't a dream.

Kif's mouth drops a little.

KIF: (weakly) It wasn't?

Amy shakes her head, and Kif goes a pale by a few shades of green; he falls back on the couch.

AMY: (swears in Cantonese) What is wrong with the damn egg?

KIF: (quickly) Nothing! Noth... did he finish the omelette?

AMY: He was cooking it wrong, so I told him to trash the egg.




Fry, returning from his little "visit", heads towards the door in a solemn state. In the background, you can see someone digging around in a nearby dumpster.


Bender and Leela are loading the ship with crates, while Jitan mops up in the background. Fry enters, and Leela drops what she's doing and rushes up to him.

LEELA: (irate) Philip! Where were you all morning?

BENDER: Why worry? I had Nibbler's vet install a microchip in his ear so we'd know where to find him if he got lost.

FRY: Microchip? (He feels his ear and removes a tiny, beeping chip) So that's why I keep having nightmares about those never-ceasing Beeping Bots...

LEELA: Well, at least you're alright. C'mon, you have to hep us load up the ship?

FRY: (frowning) We have work today?

BENDER: (surprised) We're supposed to work?

FRY: (not waiting for an answer) Where is everyone?

LEELA: All the guests left. Why?

FRY: Just wondering. (PAUSE, quietly) Rosa didn't answer my question.

He sighs and begins to help the others load crates.



Yianna Glab is in the middle of what appears to be a very important video phone call with Lrrr of the Omicronians...

LRRR: I'm not sure I follow you, Ambassador Glab.

YIANNA: (strained) I'll review it once more: (slowly) If you _stop attacking_ Earth, we can become allies. Friends. People who don't blow up each other.


LRRR: I still don't get it. What is this "allies" you speak of?

Yianna buries her head in her hands.

YIANNA: I'll throw in a box of Otter Pops.

LRRR: (excited) _Now_ we are getting somewhere!

Yianna smiles. Just then, Kif bursts through the door, covered in trash.

YIANNA: (snapping) Lieutenant Kroker! What in God's name are you doing here... (wrinkles her nose) covered in trash?!

KIF: (gasping for breath) Ambassador...

YIANNA: Kroker, leave us be! I'm in the middle of a very important...

KIF: There's a Norn egg on Earth!


YIANNA: (calm, to Lrrr) Sir, excuse me, but I'll have to call you back. (She hangs up and turns to Kif)(deadpan) What?

KIF: I don't know how... I was at Amy's staff party, and one of her friends had the egg with him. He was going to cook it! With _heat_!

YIANNA: (furious) And you didn't grab it from him?!

KIF: Amy said he threw it away. I swear, I looked everywhere for it (gestures to his trash-covered self), but...

YIANNA: (slaps her forehead in disgust) Crap! Where the hell did he get it?

KIF: I don't know. Miss Glab, we _must_ get that egg back...

YIANNA: I know, I know... but where did he _get_ it?

They both think for a moment. In the same instant, both their eyes go wide.


KIF: But... that's impossible!

YIANNA: He must have snuck on somehow...

KIF: But the only way we can find that out is if...

Kif trails off and starts trembling.

KIF: No! I'm not going!

YIANNA: Kif, we have to!

KIF: But Miss Glab...

YIANNA: THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH, KROKER! Can't you get that through your thick little head?! (PAUSE) Sorry. But if we don't find out how he got that egg and get a hold of it, you know what could happen.

KIF: (quaking) But that ship scares me.

Yianna is quiet for a few seconds.

YIANNA: It scares me too, Kif. (gently) We'll get a handle on this before this gets out of hand, I'm sure of it.


YIANNA: (VO) Just as long as that friend of Amy's doesn't do anything stupid...




The PE Ship makes a rather bumpy landing as it settles into the hanger. There are dents everywhere, and the window's cracked (just pretend that an intergalactic spaceship with a cracked windshield can fly without losing oxygen).

The crew exits, looking disheveled. Farnsworth greets them with the usual announcement.

FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone!

CREW: *Groan*

FARNSWORTH: (thinks for a moment) Actually, I don't have any good news. That was the last delivery for the night. (PAUSE) What the hell are you still doing here?! Go home already!!


Fry's room looks much cleaner than it's ever been in the past. IT is, however, cluttered with labeled cardboard boxes. Most everything is packed away, except for the bed (of course), a few clothes in the closet, and a bedside table. On the table are two memoirs from BTTP: the picture of his family, and a freakish, purple, rabbit-like doll with a tapered tail (a.k.a. Blueberry).

Fry stumbles into his room and collapses on his bed. Bender follows and slumps against the wall next to him, his mechanical eyelids drooping.

BENDER: We can't keep doing this, man...

FRY: (moaning) I know. Who knew that the people of Hell 66 would be so vicious?

BENDER: Yeah, I still got that stupid pitchfork up my ass.

Bender reaches behind himself and removes a small red pitchfork and spears it at the wall.

BENDER: Can ya spare a brewsky?

FRY: I might have packed some. Check the second box to the left. (PAUSE as Bender rummages) No, your other left.

BENDER: I know...

Bender grabs a few of Fry's more expensive possessions and stuffs them into his chest.

BENDER: Hey, when are you moving your crap outta here, anyway?

FRY: Soon. (Sits up) Are you gonna get a new roommate? Y'know, after I move out?

BENDER: Not sure yet. It'll be nice to have the... the extra space... (trails off)

There's an awkward pause as the two stare at each other. Fry clears his throat.

FRY: It's not like I'm leaving _forever_.

BENDER: (quickly) No, no! 'Course not.

FRY: I'm just moving out, that's all.

BENDER: Right. (PAUSE) You know, of all the sleazy, stupid, poor bastards that I've roomed with, you're one of the Top 15, Fry.

FRY: Really? Aw, thanks Bender! (Ugs him)

BENDER: Heyheyhey! Get off me! I ain't no cushy hug-bot!

FRY: Sorry.



Fry's curled up under his covers, in those plaid pants from "How Hermes..." and the shirt he usually wears, shivering violently. Outside, a light snowstorm blows. After a few more tosses and turns, Fry throws the blankets around him and wanders out of the room.


Bender's asleep on the couch, the TV blaring.

ANNOUNCER: (OS) Due to the incredibly long length of tonight's Blernsball game, we bring you Family Dad, which is already in progress. (PAUSE) Of course, the show was on three hours ago, so we bring you now to Who Wants to Live in a Temptation Chamber VXII.

Fry comes in and taps Bender on the head.

FRY: (whispering) Bender. Bender!

BENDER: (half-asleep) Wha...?

FRY: My AC broke. Can I borrow your body tonight?

BENDER: Yeah, whatever. Just don't scuff it up or nothing... Zzzzz.

Fry unscrews Bender's head off his body and yanks off his arms and legs. After rearranging them back on the couch, he takes the body and drags it back into his room.


Fry sets the body up in the corner of his room. He turns up the nozzle on Bender's door from "Normal", past "Warm" and "Steaming" to "Sun Spot". Satisfied, he returns to bed.

For a few seconds, everything's fine. But then Bender's body starts making really strange noises.


Fry scowls and rolls over, but the noises continue. He sighs in annoyance and sits up, scowling at the body.

FRY: Shut up!

The cracking stops. Satisfied, Fry lies back down again...


FRY: *Grrr*

Fry throws the covers off entirely and storms over to Bender's body. He throws the door open and glares inside.

That egg that was stuck in the pot a few weeks ago is still stuck, but now it's got a few cracks in it. Cracks that are still growing...

FRY: Uh... Bender? You might want to see this... Bender?

BENDER: (OS) Zzzzzzzzz.

A few small pieces of shell begin to bulge on the egg, them fall off completely. A large, blackish-red eye, lacking any iris (or even any white), peers out, then disappear as soon as it appeared. More pieces of the shell budge, until the entire egg seems to explode. Being as dark as it is, the only thing obvious about this new hatchling is that it's a small ball of lightly colored fur.

FRY: What the hell are _you_ supposed to be?

The creature gurgles in an odd voice and crawls out of Bender's body and into Fry's lap, snuggling against his stomach.

FRY: Oh NO! I'm not playing "momma" for you. That's a Toronga thing... stop doing that! BENDER!

Fry grabs this ball of fur and heads for the living room.


Bender's head is still asleep. Fry turns on the light, switches off the TV and shakes the robot's head awake with his free hand.

BENDER: Damn it, Fry! I was having the best dream... with blackjacks and hookers... and my own theme park... and you were named Curtis for some reason...

FRY: Your egg hatched.

He thrusts the creature in Bender's face, and in this light, its details can be seen more clearly. IT's covered in white fur that has a slight pinkish hinge, and its two dark-red eyes are hidden by an array of fuzzy white dreadlocks that cover the top of its head. Its mouth and nose are muzzle-like, and it has humanoid hands and feet. It lacks a tail, and its ears are either hidden or missing. Despite it all, it's sickeningly cute.

Bender just stares at it.

BENDER: So... what is it?

FRY: You tell me. That egg in your body hatched.

BENDER: Oh. Mustave been that Norn egg I stole from the Walion Museum. Just set it back in there and I'll deal with it in the morning.

FRY: Okay.

Fry exits and Bender closes his eyes. It takes exactly 4.23 seconds for it to hit both of them...

FRY: (rushing back in) The _Walion_ Museum?!

BENDER: The egg _hatched_?!


FRY: Bender, these things are supposed to be dangerous! You could get the magnetic chair or something for this!

BENDER: _Me_?! _You're_ the one who hatched it!

FRY: Yeah, well _you_ stole it!

BENDER: _You're_ holding it!

Fry realizes this, shrieks, and drops the creature. It scurries back into his room.

BENDER: Okay... calm down... we can fix this!

FRY: How?

BENDER: We know nothing about this thing, right? (Fry nods) Therefore, what we don't know won't hurt us!

FRY: That doesn't sound right...

BENDER: Look, you either follow my logic, or you and Leela get married in a prison cell, OK!? So, as long as we keep quiet, no one will know that we brought a potentially life-threatening species back from extinction!

FRY: What about it? (Motions towards the creature, who's peeking through his doorway)

BENDER: (non-chalant) Oh, we just kill it and dispose of the body.

FRY: Oh. (PAUSE) Wait, why kill it?

BENDER: Because it's dangerous!

FRY: Oh. (PAUSE) It... doesn't _look_ dangerous...


FRY: I thought it was sort of cute...

BENDER: _Your_ God dammit, Fry! That sickeningly adorable hybrid almost destroyed all robots on the planet!

FRY: I thought it almost destroyed _the_ planet.

BENDER: (screaming) Stop correcting me!!!

FRY: Why couldn't we just pretend that it's something else?

BENDER: (thinking) You know, you may be onto something. We could just say it's some weird species of monkey or something. It sort of looks like you anyway, meatbag.

FRY: See, problem solved! I'm going to bed. Have fun with your new pet. (Leaves)

BENDER: Yeah, okay... hey, wait a minute!

Fry proceeds to roll Bender's body through his door and shuts it immediately afterwards.


The door on Bender's body pops open, and the "thing" stumbles out and looks at him. It looks sort of drunk.

BENDER: (calling) Damn it, Fry! I don't need a pet: I've got you!!

FRY: (OS) You stole it, you keep it.

BENDER: *grumble* (to the creature) What are _you_ looking at? (Sniffs) Hey, what's that on your breath? AUGH! YOU DRANK MY TEQUILA!!! You bastard... or bitch... or whatever you are... get on the couch so I can strangle you! Hey, don't you stagger away while I'm talking to you...



Our two favorite Grays are tearing the corridor of the Cerca apart in their vain attempts to search for some sort of... well, "thing". Mind you, it's sort of hard to tear walls apart, so they're more or less running into them repeatedly. Two of the Cerca's guards are sprawled across the floor in the background, unconscious.

YIANNA: (nonchalant, looking at the guards) Honestly, where does DOOP get of giving me wimpy pansy-guards like them?

KIF: I still don't see it, Miss Glab.

YIANNA: Keep searching, Lieutenant. I know that the panel is here SOMEWHERE!

KIF: You would think they'd put up a sign or something...

YIANNA: Remember, Kroker, we're talking of the Siõe. In their eyes, everything was below them. They didn't need any sort of sign to "point" them towards their way. They thought it ingenious that they could create a button that only they could find.

Kif watches her curiously as she begins to pound on the walls harder, a furious look spread across her face.

KIF: (cautious) Your opinion of them is rather low, Ambassador.

YIANNA: (whips around) Of course it is! In their eyes, our species, _we_, were nothing more than green trash. A throwback...

She trails off and turns around quickly.

YIANNA: (CONT.) The sooner we find the whereabouts of that egg, the better. God forbid it's not a Norn egg.

KIF: What else could it be?

Yianna shoots Kif an odd Look as she continues to feel the walls.

YIANNA: Kroker, surely you know that they created more than one species...

Her hand clips on a panel of the wall, and a blue glow in the shape of a hexagon emits from beneath her hand. The hexagon sinks into the wall, and a small box on a mechanical arm emerges in it's place. Kif and Yianna back into the opposite wall moments before the small box expands into a flat, giant PC screen. There's a little keyboard beneath the screen.

KIF: (impressed) Wow. They even built a miniature printer into the screen.

YIANNA: (dryly) How considerate of them.

Yianna frowns as she comes up to the computer and begins to type furiously.

YIANNA: (CONT.) When the Siõe created this ship, they wanted to be able to pinpoint just _who_ was and had been on their ship. All a part of their longing for the vast knowledge of the universe, I suppose... Every one of their members were registered into this computer, their DNA implanted into the data, so the ship would be able to tell who was on it.

KIF: So whoever got the egg was a member of...

YIANNA: (interrupting) Well, not exactly, Kroker. Some members needn't not register.

KIF: Why is that?

YIANNA: (gestures towards the screen) Take a look for yourself.

Kif cautiously approaches the screen, scans through the list of names that Yianna brought up, and screams.

In the third column, 22nd row, is the name Kif Kroker.

YIANNA: My name's on there, too. As are our parents', their parents' and so forth. (PAUSE) The ship _knows_, Kif. It knows more than we would ever care to reveal...



Zoidberg is hunched over the table, in deep concentration as he writes a letter. Unnoticed by the doctor, Jitan wanders in with a mop and starts cleaning.

ZOIDBERG: (reading as he writes) Dear... Mr... Bigshot with the mucha moola... I'm begging you... PLEASE send me a licence! My local bureaucratic associate and friend has kindly informed me that without it, I will no longer be of any use to my workplace... and will be FIRED! Oh the horror!

HERMES: (OS) You're already of no use you stupid crawfish!

ZOIDBERG: (ignoring him) He has insisted that if I don't receive a... a... (calling) Hermes! What's that thing you said my licence had to be?

HERMES: (OS) Valid?

ZOIDBERG: No, I need something more tasteful... a-ha! (continues writing) ... _not-phony_ licence...

JITAN: Excuse me, doctor...

Zoidberg jumps, screams and runs from the room, babbling on about an unhuman stench. Jitan just stands there.

JITAN: I was just going to ask you to lift your feet up... oh, never mind. (Starts cleaning again) Wonder what _his_ ruddy problem is...


FRY: (OS) What do you mean you brought it with you?!

BENDER: (OS) Yeah, like I was gonna leave it at home with my supply of Saturian Malt Liquor. The it got into my booze last night. My _Tequila_!

FRY: (OS) But what if someone finds out...

BENDER: (wandering into the lounge) Hey, I won't tell if you won't... (to Jitan) Wassup, ya cleaning sack of crap?

JITAN: (semi-amused) Good morning to you too, Bender; Philip.

FRY: (entering) Yo.

Jitan goes back to his job, and Fry leans in towards Bender.

FRY: (whispering) He doesn't suspect a thing.

BENDER: Guh. There's nothing to be suspicious about...

JITAN: Oh, by the way, interesting creature you've got there.

BENDER: Wha...

Bender looks down and notices the fluffball hanging out of his chest cavity and scowls.

JITAN: (continued; non-chalant) Yes, it looks like a superb specimen of a female Ettin.

FRY: (not thinking: as per usual...) Actually, it's a Norn that hatched from an egg Bender stole a few weeks... Ow!

Bender slaps Fry upside the head and glares at him furiously. Fry blinks, then slaps his forehead in disgust.

BENDER: Programmer damn it!

FRY: Well, it's not like you told me to NOT tell anyone...

BENDER: I just told you an hour ago, jackass!

JITAN: *cough* Interesting as this is, you're both wrong. That isn't a Norn. It's an Ettin.

The two stare blankly at him.

JITAN: (CONT) See, this little one doesn't have large ears, and the eyes are all off. The lack of tail is a good sign, too...

BENDER: So, I'm off the hook then?

JITAN: Not really. Ettins were just another hybrid species created by the Siõe, same as the Norns.

BENDER: *moan*

FRY: Wait, how do _you_ know all this?

JITAN: I took a college course on 21st Century history: we covered the War of 2012 in great detail. (Glances at the Ettin) You shouldn't worry, though. Of all the hybrid species, these were the least dangerous. They were rather timid, actually.

BENDER: You're not gonna squeal, are ya? (Threatening) Because if you do, I've got friends in low, dirty places who'll back me up. Plus, they'll kick your ass.

JITAN: No, I suppose I won't turn you in. But you'll have to keep your friend's big mouth here clamped up.

Fry frowns.

JITAN: So, what are you calling it?

BENDER: I'm going with an improv species: White-Assed Monkey. How's that sound?

JITAN: Mmmm... could use a little work. But what I meant was a name.

BENDER: Aw, I have to name it, too?

LEELA: (entering) Name what, Bender?

Everyone freezes.

FRY: Er...

Bender elbows him. Hard. Hard enough to crack a rib or three. Fry doubles over and decides not to say anymore.

JITAN: (intervening) Actually, Bender was just telling me how he found this strange breed of monkey wandering his quarters, weren't you?

BENDER: (catching on) ...Yeah! It broke in through Fry's window and got into my booze cellar, so I decided to keep it as a... drinking buddy!

LEELA: What's it's name?

BENDER: Uh... Tequila?

LEELA: Aw, it looks so adorable! (To Bender) So, you've been feeding it booze and... (waits for Bender to finish)


BENDER: More booze?

LEELA: *sigh* Bender, you can't let a carbon-based life form live off alcohol. If you're going to keep it, you might as well learn how to feed it.

She grabs his arm and drags him towards the kitchen. Fry following, but not before giving a thankful look towards the janitor. Jitan watches them for a few seconds, then proceeds with his mopping.

JITAN: (SOTTO) 21st Century History Class. (Smiles) Wonder how I thought _that_ one up...

Is Jitan not as he seems? Will Zapp ever notice that Kif hasn't been on the Nimbus for quite some time? Is this strange new Ettin the doom of them all? Only time (and future chapters) will tell...

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