Title: I Wish I Were In Arlen
(This story takes place between The Wong Move and St. Valentineís Day
(We begin at PE and the Professor has gathered everyone in his lab.)
Professor: Good News Everyone, I have invented a time machine.
(Shows them the time machine which looks like a port-a-potty but with
computerized things on it and everybody gasps.)
Leela: But time travel is impossible.
Bender: Yeah, Zoidberg, has a better chance at being loved than the existence of
a time machine.
Bender: Yeah, but not by much.
Zoidberg: (sadly) Aw
Professor: well as I was saying Iíve managed to invent a time machine, when I
realized that all things are made of matter and this machine is able to gather
matter from another time and send matter from this time back to the past.
Leela: What do you plan on sending back?
Professor: Who wants to volunteer?
Fry: I do.
Leela: No fry! It is too risky.
Bender: Lady, anything he does is too risky.
Fry: It will be fine Leela, I just want to visit the past and maybe see my
Leela: well you have to promise youíll come back.
Fry: I will, I mean I wouldnít leave you. (kisses Leela)
Professor: Now Fry get in the time machine. (Fry does so and the Professor,
pushes a few buttons and it begins to make noises.) Now, Fry should be going
back to the past and somebody else should be in the time machine.
(Knocks on the door) Hello and welcome to the Future.
Fry: [In the TM] Could you hold on, Iíll be out in a sec. (Sounds of flushing
and fry walks out)
Bender: Another waste of my time.
Amy: Professor that time machine doesnít work.
Zoidberg: Can I use it next? (The three step closer to the TM as Fry is about to
exit when Fry slips and hits his head on the control, causing the machine to go
crazy, then it pulls Fry, Amy, Bender and Zoidberg in and they disappear while
the rest of the crew duck and cover. When machine stops, the PE crew they look
to see Luanne, Peggy, Cotton and Boomhauer.)
Boomhauer: Dang, old this look dang ole Twilight Zone.
Peggy: Oh my God where are we?
Cotton: We must be under attack.
Luanne: Aunt Peggy, you might want to see this. (Points to show them the
Professor, Leela, Scruffy, and Hermes.)
(Next scene. Fry and company arrive in Arlen Texas. They are in the Hillís yard
and Hank was throwing a barbeque for the neighbors and he is shocked.)
Amy: Gluck, where are we?
Fry: We must be in the past.
Zoidberg: (Sniffs) do I smell food? (Heads to the table and Bill has his mouth
wide mouth seeing Zoidberg eating the hot dogs.)
Bender: These people have booze. (Heads towards Dale standing next to a pile of
Alamo beer. Dale ducks for cover as Bender helps himself to a six pack of beer.
Hank walks up to Fry and grabs him.)
Hank: Sir, I demand that you tell me what have you done with my wife?
Fry: Hey, sir calm down, I donít know where your wife is.
Amy: Fry, what if she is in the future? The professor said that matter has to go
to the future in order for us to come to the past.
(Next Scene. In the Future.)
Peggy: So you are saying we are in the future?
Peggy: My God, it is a big honor, in your face Nancy and Minh, they are dead by
(Just then Kif and Zapp enter.)
Leela: Kif and...Zapp.
Kif: Whereís Amy? We have a date.
Zapp: Yes, Leela we have a double with Kif and his girlfriend.
Leela: drop dead zapp.
Boomhauer: Dang oleí one eye dang looking ...(whistles)
Cotton: He has a point. You may have one eye, but I got no shins so Iíd say we
are perfect. (Slaps her on the butt)
Leela: If you ever do that again, Iíll kill you.
Cotton: Whoa, this one has spunk, much like Hankís wife.
(Next scene. back to the past.)
Hank: Well after hearing you story, I guess I can say welcome to Arlen and the
21st century. (Offers Amy and Fry beers.) So when can this professor bring back
Amy: We are not sure?
Hank: Well while you are here, make yourselves at home.
(Cut to Billís house. Bill is hiding from the monsters, when Zoidberg busts his
door down and he looks around.)
Zoidberg: Live Rats, junk food on the floor and this place smells like garbage,
I like what you have done with the place.
Bill: Umm...you are not going to hurt me?
Zoidberg: I wonít if I like you.
(Cut to Dale in his basement talking to his tape-record)
Dale: The worst thing has happened, the evil leaders of the future have kidnaped
some of my friends and have sent a killer robot to kill the Gribble problem.
Therefore I must take out the robot, before he can complete his mission.
(Next scene. The future and the professor and busy testing the TM.)
Professor: This is awful. The time machine is busted and it could take a long
time to repair it.
Leela: You mean you canít bring Fry back?
Professor: No, not yet at least.
(Cut to Hermes and Peggy talking.)
Hermes: So you are saying that if we switch to Propane we can reduce our gas
Peggy: Absolutely, it is clean burning fuel, listen to me I sound like my
(Cut to Kif and Cotton)
Cotton: And that is how I killed fiddy men and lost my shins.
Kif: Wow you are so brave, a much better hero, then someone I know.
Cotton: good now get me a beer, greeny.
Kif: [happily] Yes, sir.
(Cut to Luanne meeting Zapp.]
Zapp: well hello there, you know I find that the best part of a woman is the
(Luanne slaps her.)
Luanne: Back away from me you pervert.
(Walks away and Zapp is met by Boomhauer with a disappointing expression on his
Boomhauer: Dang thats not how you dang ole get the female.
Zapp: Hmm you seem like an expert in sleeping with women, an even bigger expert
than I. I therefore ask to you teach me everything you know.
(Next scene. The past. Hankís house. Bobby and Hank are welcoming Fry.)
Bobby: Iíve never met anyone from the future, am I a famous comedian?
Fry: Who are you?
Bobby: the nameís bobby hill.
Fry: Never heard of you.
(Bobby looks disappointed.)
Hank: Now, Fry I need to know if Peggy, my dad, Luanne, and Boomhauer are okay.
Fry: They must be, my friends must be taking good care of them.
(Cut to the Souphanousinphone house.)
Minh: Glad to see someone who not hillbilly for a change.
Kahn: Yeah, what is your name?
Amy: Amy Wong.
Kahn: Are you related to Tom Wong?
Amy: I have an ancestor named Tom Wong.
Kahn: Tom was our neighbor in Orange County, and he thinks heíll be some big
successful big shot.
Amy: I know, heíll be a billionaire.
Minh: See Kahn I told you, you should have accepted his offer of having 50%
Kahn: How was I to know his crazy idea make him rich?
[Minh and Kahn walk out and Connie and Amy are alone.]
Connie: So, what do you do?
Amy: Iím am engineer at the company I work for.
Connie: Neat where did you study?
Amy: Mars University.
Connie: Mars has a college in your time? Man, you life must be cool.
Amy: Well, kind of, I just wish my parents would get off my case.
Connie: you have problems with your parents?
Amy: Yeah, they are always making dress me all lady like and bug me about making
grandchildren for them, gleesh.
Connie: Thatís how I feel, my parents are always making me study, trying to turn
me into a genius, to go to Harvard.
Amy: Harvard? In my time, that place is just a lousy daycare.
Connie: There is so much we can learn from each other. It is like we are the
same in some weird way, like we are connected.
Amy: You have that feeling, too?
(Cut to Billís house. Zoidberg and Bill are on the floor, eating junk food.)
Zoidberg: So your wife left you and you havenít found true love?
Bill: Nope, so you are a doctor?
Zoidberg: Thatís me baby.
Bill: I bet you have a wife to go to. (Zoidberg starts to cry)
Zoidberg: No, Iím a poor failure, no one wants to date me. Iím a big, smelly,
fat, bald, ugly loser.
Bill: I know how that feels.
Zoidberg: you know Bill you seem like the only person who understands, Zoidberg.
Bill: Well, Iím just glad I have someone to talk to. (They both start crying and
hug each other.)
Zoidberg: Thatís even better. (Hug even harder.)
(Cut to Hankís house.)
Bobby: So where is this robot you are talking about? Maybe he can teach me a few
Fry: Hey yeah where is Bender?
Hank: Hmm Iíll go check the garage.
(Cuts to him opening the door to his garage and has a shocked look on his face.)
Hank: What?! What in the Hell you doing to my mower?
(Camera pans to see Bender doing something behind the mower.)
Bender: It is not what it looks, she came on to me.
Hank: Mister, Iím kicking you shiny metal ass.
(Cut to Bender and Fry running out of Hankís house while Hank is seen at his
front door with a golf club.)
Hank: I want my wife back by tonight, do you understand that.
Bobby: [appearing] Dad, why are you kicking them out?
Hank: I shouldíve known they were no good, they said they were from New York.
(Next Scene. The Future. Zapp is getting a lecture from Boomhauer.)
Boomhauer: Now dang ole say, yeah you got that dang ole pretty hair.
Zapp: ahm ahm, I understand whatever you just said.
(Cut to the Professor and Leela working on the TM.)
Professor: I think Iíve fixed the time machine.
Leela: you have?
Professor: Yes, but Iím not sure I can pinpoint on the exact time Fry and the
(Cut to reveal that Peggy was in the room.)
Peggy: Maybe I can help.
Leela: Do you think you can help fix the time machine?
Peggy: Well I am a substitute teacher and I know a few things about computers.
Professor: well go right ahead, letís see if a substitute teacher can do what a
Peggy: Stand Back and watch me.
(Cut to another part of the room and Cotton is telling his war stories to
Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim.)
Cotton: And thatís how I lost my shins.
Tinny: Quite smashing good story, sir.
Cubert: That story was preposterous.
Dwight: donít mind him sir, heís just a snot-nosed brat.
Cubert: I do not have snot. (Snorts)
(Kif enters with a beer.)
Kif: (proud) Hereís another beer for you sir.
Cotton: Thanks greeny and can you give me something to eat?
Kif: Sure. (Leaves)
(Next Scene the Past. Bill, and Hank are in the alley and they have beer.)
(Camera pans to left to show Bender, Fry, and Zoidberg are in the scene.)
Hank: Not you guys, when are you guys leaving?
Bender: I ainít leaving until Iíve drunk a whole bunch of this Alamo beer.
Bill: Why are you so mad at the robot, Hank? I think any robot who likes beer
canít be all bad.
Bender: Mister, you donít know me.
Hank: Bill, I donít like that robot for what he did to my mower.
Bender: Hey, donít blame me you donít let your mower have some fun now and then,
she is very desperate.
Zoidberg: Bill, lets go to your house and play some cards or discuss on our
Bill: (excited) that sounds fun. (They both run to Billís house like happy
Hank: [sighs] Hey, where is Dale, I havenít seen him since you guys showed up.
(Just then a bullet barely missed Bender, but nobody seems to have noticed,
another hits him, but it just goes through his head and Bender, just reacts as
if it were a mosquito bite. Camera cuts to Daleís roof and Dale has a rifle with
a telescope and silencer. Dale mad that heís failed takes out his tape
Dale: My first attempt to destroy the evil robot has failed, I must use a better
method of destroying him.
(Next scene. The future, we see Boomhauer and Zapp walking down the hall and
there is Luanne talking to Hermes in the distance.)
Luanne: So this is the future? Wow, it is futuriffic.
Hermes: (Annoyed) Yes, futuriffic. (Starts to leave) Just what I need another
Amy and Zoidberg rolled up into one.
(Pan to Boomhauer talking to Zapp.)
Boomhauer: Okay dang ole moment of truth.
Zapp: Right. (Heads right to Luanne.)
Luanne: not you again.
Zapp: Look about what I said earlier, it was...(reads a card) Dang ole
misunderstanding and dang ole youíve got dang big boobies. (Luanne slaps him and
Boomhauer: dang ole lost cause.
(Next Scene. The Past. Connie talks to Amy in Kahn and Minhís kitchen.)
Connie: (looking at a picture of Amy and Kif.) This is your boyfriend? Heís
Amy: Yeah ainít he handsome?
Connie: You know I used to go out with Bobby.
Amy: The little fat kid?
Amy: Why did you break up?
Connie: It was decided we were better off friends.
(Joseph walks by the glass door.)
Amy: hello, who is this handsome young man?
Joseph: (nervous) Um, hello Iím Joseph, so you are from the future?
(Connie and Joseph look a bit confused.)
Joseph: you are really cute.
Amy: (giggles) Thank you, Iím flattered. I like you goatee.
Joseph: Thanks. I love your outfit and hair do.
Amy: Thanks a lot of people say that.
(Cut to Hank, Fry and Bender. Hank is looking at a picture of Fry and Leela.)
Fry: I wish the professor would zap us back, I sure miss Leela.
Hank: Hmm she sure is nice, if you donít notice the purple hair, but why does
she have only one eye?
Fry: well she is a mutant.
Bender: (Looking in the cooler) What out of booze?!
(just then Dale comes out of no where and throws water balloons at Bender.)
Dale: Take that you metal freak. Rust Rust!
Bender: (wet) Please, meatbag I was built with a coating that prevents me from
Hank: (wet) dale what in the hell are you doing?
Dale: This robot is sent from the future to kill me and he and his friends have
taken Peggy, and rest prisoner.
Bender: first of all I donít know you and second boo
Bender: (laughs) heh heh heh, I love this time.
(Next Scene. The future. Everybody is gathered in the Professorís lab.)
Professor: good news everyone, with help from the substitute teacher Iíve
managed to fix the time machine and thereby bringing you all back to your own
Cotton: well it is about time baldy.
Professor: donít call me baldy you young smart-mouth punk. Now then everyone
from the past get close to the machine.
Peggy: Iíll miss you Leela, this Fry sounds like a really good person.
Leela: Thank you and I think your husband and son sound like the perfect family.
Kif: [to cotton] Iíll miss you sir.
Cotton: Just remember all Iíve said greeny.
Zapp: Kif, letís go I need some ointment for my face. (Rubs his face)
Kif:(Sighs and goes back to his regular self) Yes, sir.
Luanne: Goodbye Mr. Conrad and Scruffy.
Scruffy: goodbye miss. (Tips his hat and kisses her palm. Luanne giggles)
Boomhauer: Dang ole goodbye dang ole Scruffy, you dang ole good man.
Scruffy: Scruffy, understood that, goodbye.
(Next scene the past. Amy and Fry are in the alley.)
Amy: This trip is wonderful I got to meet some really nice people. That Joseph
was the most nice to me. So, Fry how do you like the past?
Fry: pretty boring, this place is so simply and seemly nothing really big and
(Zoidberg and Bill appear.)
Zoidberg: What a day. We got to eat together and had an interesting conversation
Bill: Yes, I love pudding.
Amy: So Fry, where is Bender?
Fry: He said he wanted to find more beer.
(Cut to Hankís garage. Hank enters his garage and is shocked to see what has
Hank: Oh my God! What are you doing to my truck?!
(Pan to see Bender doing something to Hankís truck.)
Bender: Okay, this time I really had to romance her.
(Cut to Bender running out of the garage and Hank has a golf club and beating
Bender over the head with it.)
(Cut to Future and the Professor pulls a lever on the Time machine and the TM
starts to turn on and sucks Peggy, Cotton, Luanne and Boonhauer in it.)
(Cut to past. Bender runs up to Amy and Fry and tries hiding behind them and
soon as Hank arrives a gateway opens, sucking Fry, Amy, Bender and Zoidberg in
Zoidberg: Iíll miss you friend. (With a tear in his eye.)
Bill: Goodbye soul mate. (Starts to cry. Hank is mad that Bender got away, but
then is shocked to see Peggy, Boomhauer, Cotton and Luanne back.)
Hank: Peggy (hugs her) it is great to see you.
Peggy: Hank, you will not believe what Iíve seen.
(Dale and Joseph enter)
Dale: (scared) Are they gone?
Hank: Yes and good riddance.
Joseph: (disappointed) Man, I wanted to say goodbye to Amy, oh hello Luanne.
(Next Scene. The Future.)
Leela: Fry it is great to see you, (kisses fry)
Fry: Iím just glad to be back.
Bender: And Iím glad I got all this. (Opens his chest to show, he stole two six
packs of Alamo beer, one of Hankís football trophies and a pair of Hankís spare
Zoidberg: Man, for once I knew what it was like to have a true friend.
Amy: kif Iím glad to see you. (Kisses him)
Kif: As do I.
Professor: well Iím glad you all had a pleasant trip,
Leela: Professor you should destroy that machine, we got lucky this time, but
you shouldnít be screwing around with time.
Professor: that is absurd, this time machine is perfectly safe now. (Pats the
machine, but it turns on and sucks Leela into it causing a time switch to
happen. Smoke appears and everybody is waiting to see who it is and it is Lois
Lois: Oh, my where am I? This is just like that awful remake of the Twilight
Zapp: why hello there, you know I find the best part of a woman is the boobies.
Lois: why, thank you.
Fry: Professor, can you bring Leela back?
Professor: Of Course, it shouldnít take long this time.
(Next Scene. The Past Quahog. We see the Griffin family, minus Lois, watching TV
and hardly notice Leela who is looking around.)
Chris (still looking at the TV): Hey dad, mom has one eye and purple hair.
Peter (looking at the TV): Chris, if you mother wants to try a new look, let
Disclaimer: I donít own Family Guy, or any of its characters.
(This is the end, I wonít be doing a Family Guy/Futurama crossover, but donít
worry, Leela will be back to the future just in time for ďSt. Valentineís Day