Disclaimer: Futurama and all related characters created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. The pirates are mine, however.
(Takes place after "The Fault, Dear Leela")
(Planet Express briefing room)
Bender (from kitchen): I'll have dinner ready in a minute!
Amy: Is it too late to order out for some Durlan food?
Leela: I refuse to eat anything that mutates in my stomach.
(Bender enters, carrying a large tray of pasta)
Bender: Dinner... is seved!
Fry (taking some): Hey, this actually looks edible.
Hermes (eating some): Dis is pretty good, mon. Much better den dat deep-fried charcoal ya made last week.
Zoidberg: I'm detecting rosemary... some cumin... and something I can't qvite put my claw on...
Bender: How'd ya guess? Was it that subtle, insouiciant tang?
Fry: Not exactly.
(He points to Leela, who's gasping for air and starting to turn purple.)
(Opening titles. Caption (in alien language #1) IF U CN RD THS, U HVE 2 MCH TME ON YR HNDS)
(The crew is is gathered around Leela, who is in the middle of choking.
Amy: You idiot! You KNEW she was allergic!
Bender: Oh, right, like I'M suddenly supposed to be SENSITIVE to other people's needs.
Fry: You need anything, Leela? Drink of water? Painkiller? Total blood replacement?
Leela (through swollen throat): Get... me... to... hospital...
Zoidberg: Hospital? Nonsense, nonsense, old Zoidberg vill take care of you.
(Cut to a hover-ambulance leaving Planet Express. The crew is standing outside the door, minus Leela, of course. Everybody's staring angrily at Zoidberg.)
Zoidberg: All right, so an injection of pure lemongrass extract vasn't such a hot idea maybe?
Hermes: Ya walkin' malpractice suit! Why do I continue to put up wit' your incompetence?
Zoidberg: Vithout me, you'd have to give us medical insurance.
Hermes (suddenly cordial again): Remind me t'give ya a raise sometime.
(Interior, Planet Express office. Fry, Bender, Zoidberg, and Amy are seated around the table, Hermes standing)
Hermes: Well, de hospital says sat Leela should be released in a couple o' days, but 'til den, we got a business to run. So we need to pick a new captain.
Fry: Me! I'll do it!
Hermes: Sorry, Fry, but you're dangerously unqualified and stupid. Now I've thought long and hard about this...
(Hermes is holding a list. Hermes POV shot: As we go down the list, we see that Fry's picture is crossed out; Bender's is crossed out twice; Zoidberg's is crossed out about ten times, Scruffy's has a question mark and "possibly" next to it, Matt Groening's has "Never seen THIS guy before" next to it, and Amy's is circled twice and has a check next to it.
Hermes: ... and I've decided dat Amy is de new captain.
Amy (nervous): Heh.
Fry: This is bogus! This is totally bogus! Why is she the new captain and not me?
Hermes: Well, for starters, she's the only other employee with a captain's liscense
Amy: Well... it's not so bad. Maybe we won't have any deliveries.
Prof (enters): Good news, everyone! You're going on a mission of mercy to Patheticon 6, the poorest planet in the galaxy. You'll be delivering emergency supplies, thus fulfilling my community service for the, ah, turnip incident.
Bender (to Amy): I am goin' t'make yer life hell.
(CGI: The PE ship lifts off)
Amy (V.O.): Testing... Captain's Log, August 8th, 3003. Amy Wong standing in for Toronga Leela, out sick. Finally got out of dock at 0800.
Bender (V.O.): We woulda got out earlier if ya hadn't stopped t'change.
(Cut to interior. We see that Amy has ditched her trademark pink sweatsuit for a red midriff-baring T-shirt, tight navy pants with a red stripe down the left leg, gray boots (different style than Leela's), matching gray utility belt, red headband, wrist-thingy, and an extremely cool sleeveless black leather jacket that probably cost a fortune.).
Amy: Well, Cosmopolitoid said this was what all the cool independant female space captains were wearing this year. Who ever heard of a space captain who wears a sweatsuit?
(She notices that Fry isn't speaking to her.)
Amy: You had your chance. Remember that day I said "Hey, Fry, I'm going to the DSV to get my captain's license. Want to come along?" and you said "Can't. Drinking beer.".
Fry: Not really. Must 've been the beer.
Amy (realizing): Omigod, I forgot to feed Nibbler!
Bender: Don't worry, I already took care o'that.
(Cut to shot of Nibbler, who has swallowed Cubert, head first, up to his waist.)
(CGI: PE ship flyby)
Amy (V.O.): Captain's log, supplemental. Since Patheticon 6 is at the extreme edge of the galaxy, it' going to take a while to get there, so I've decided to cut through the Boring Sector, a bleak, uninhabited void between the stars. It should cut six hours off our trip, but the price could be... our sanity. Wait, did that sound pretentious? I don't want to sound pretentious. Uh. Okay, um... What I mean is, the Boring Sector could get really, really boring.
Fry: This sector sucks. No planets, no stars, no ships, and only one Taco Bell. (takes bite out of chalupa)
Amy: Does this mean you're speaking to me again?
Fry: Yeah. I'm not mad anymore.
Bender: Not mad? How could you not be mad! The Hardware Harlot here took yer shot at the big chair!
Fry: I know. I'm over it. Besides, she really looks cool.
Bender: I can't believe I'm hearin' this. Fine! I'll start my own mutiny! With blackjack! An' hookers! In fact, ferget th'mutiny an' the blackjack an' th' hookers, I'm just gonna go get some beer an' a couple porno mags.
(CGI: PE ship flyby)
Amy (V.O): Supplement to Captain's Log supplemental... That doesn't sound right. Anyway, we're nearly out of the Boring Sector. The only radio station here plays an endless loop of Celine Deion's "My Heart Will Go On", so I had to keep it of or we'd've all gone nuts by now. Bender and Fry are passing the time with a belching contest. I had to drop out in the second round. Fry can do the hits of the 1970's, I can't compete with that. (Cut to interior. We can hear someone belcing "Inna Gadda Davita". Amy's reading something.) Instead, I decided to catch up on my reading. (We see that the book she's reading is "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Captaining a Starship", by (you guessed it) Zapp Brannigan.) I bought the book because I thought the title was cute and ironic. How wrong I was...
(The control panel bleeps. Amy drops the book and stares at the reading.)
Amy: Guys! We made it! Patheticon 6 is only minutes away!
Bender: 'Bout damn time. I'm officially sick o' both a' you.
Amy: Can't wait to get this over wi... (Amy lets out an impressive stream of Chinese invective as a familiar ship looms on the viewscreen) Not now! We were so close!
Bender: We're boned.
Fry: Incoming message, Captain Wong.
Bender (mocking): "Incoming message, Captain Wong". Captain's pet.
Zapp (onscreen): Ah, the Planet Express ship, and its lovely captain, the beautiful and dangerous Lee... Wait, you're not Leela.
Zapp: The second eye is a dead giveaway. In addition, you appear to be Chinese.
Kif: Can't get one past you, sir.
Zapp (to Kif): Quiet, you. (to Amy): You should be ashamed of yourself, thinking you could fool me with such a shoddy impersonation.
Amy: I wasn't imperson...
Zapp: I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a goddess! And I'm placing the others under arrest for aiding and abbetting the impersonation of a goddess.
Bender: Actually, sir, I wasn't helping in any way.
Fry: It's true. He's actually working against her.
Zapp: Why do they always lie, Kif?
Zapp: Secure the ship, and throw them in the brig.
Bender: Ah, crap, my self-serving tactics failed.
(Interior, Zapp's bridge)
Zapp: Kif, I am sickened and appalled by this whole incident. Why would someone stoop so low as to steal another's identity?
Kif: Sir, I don't believe she ever claimed to be...
Zapp: Identity theives are like ingrown nose hairs. They crawl around in the dark, twitching, irritating, and you can't get at them no matter how you try... nngh... hmmm... ghnnn... Kif, fetch the tweezers.
Amy: Yeah, I'm doing great job. My first mission, and I get us all locked up.
Fry: Don't blame yourself, Amy. (touches forcefield) Ow.
Bender: Yeah. That's my job. This is all your fault, Amy.
Fry: Look, it's not your fault you're not Leela. (touches forcefield again) Ow.
Amy: I guess, but she would've gotten you out of here by now.
Bender: Damn right.
(Fry touches the forcefield again)
Amy: Fry, what are you doing?
Fry: Testing the forcefield. (touches it again) Ow.
Fry: It's still there. (touches it again) Ow.
Bender: Come on, Miss Hotshot Captain, think up a way out.
Amy: I thought up six, but they all involve one of us being on the other side of the forcefield. How did Leela get you guys out of here the first time?
Bender: Slept with the captain. Hey, there's somethin' you know how t'do!
Amy: Wait, what about the steam pipe?
Fry: Don't bother. It's full of steam. (touches forcefield again) Ow.
Amy: But Bender isn't affected by steam. Maybe he could crawl through the vents and let us out?
Bender: That's a brilliant idea, except fer one problem: I don't wanna.
(something in Amy snaps)
Amy: Okay, that's IT! I have taken all the CRAP I'm gonna take from you! You've done nothing but lie around and insult me and I've HAD IT! You are going to FOLLOW MY ORDERS, and if you don't like it I'm gonna ship your shiny metal ass to the BEER CAN FACTORY, mister! Now DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!
Bender: Sir! Yes sir, sir!
(Bender starts rapidly doing pushups, then stops after a few seconds)
Bender: Wait, what the hell just happened there?
Amy: I have no clue. I think this job's slowly making me insane.
Fry: Maybe that tone of voice makes his patriotism circuit spontaneously activate? Just a thought. (touches forcefield again) Ow.
(Kif arrives at the cell)
Kif: The fatso wants to see you, Amy. (pause) Why haven't you called me?
Amy I tried, but you-know-who won't let me through.
Kif: (sigh) That sounds right. Anyway, I've been dispatched to bring you to the... (groan) "lovenasium".
Bender: Attagirl, Amy! Take one for th'team!
Amy: I SAID ZIP IT!
Bender: Sir, yes, sir! Damn patriotism circuit.
Amy: Mental note: be sure to abuse this power.
(The Lovenasium. The fatso is lounging on the bed.)
Kif: The, ah, Leela impersonator is here, sir.
Zapp: Excellent. You may go now, and finish martinizing my underwear.
(Kif groans and exits)
Zapp: Sham-PAIN, my lovely?
Amy's Brain: Don't take it! He's trying to seduce you! And you don't WANT to be seduced today!
Amy: Uh, no thanks...
Zapp: I also have an excellent Pin-ott Noyer.
Amy: ... basically, this is all a big misunderstanding. You see, Leela's out sick, allergic reaction, and I'm just filling in...
Zapp: I said to myself, self, perhaps I've been a bit hasty. Sure, you're no Leela. Few are. In fact, only Leela is...
Amy: ...my name's Amy, we met on the Titanic, remember? And I'm usually just the ship's engineer...
Zapp: ...but you're not exactly unattractive yourself, and there's a chance that by sleeping with you I can make Leela jealous enough to try and reclaim me. It may even lead to a (licks lips) catfight.
Amy: I really don't think that's gonna happen...
Zapp: (breaks down): Oh god, I'm a fraud. I have no seduction skills whatsoever. I'd never really had a chance did I? (pause) This isn't working either, is it.
Amy: No, I saw that one coming. It was in your book. Chapter 6: The Secret of Seduction: How to act pathetic.
Zapp (brightening): You bought my book?
Amy's Brain: Yes! Play to his ego!
Amy (thinking quickly): Uh, yeah. I was wondering, if you could, y'know... autograph it?
(Cut back to the cell. Fry's still touching the forcefield and saying "ow", and Bender is playing a harmonica)
Bender (singing like Louis Armstrong)
Oh, I'm locked in th'brig (wa-WA-wa-wa)
An' my diodes are sore (wa-WA-wa-wa)
Our captain's out sick
An' her replacement is a wh-
Fry: How do you play the harmonica without lungs?
Bender (still talking like Louis Armstrong) Son, the blues are deep down inside, the harmonica just lets 'em flow free. Wait a minute here.
(Bender opens his chest compartment, and turns his personality knob from "Old Jazzman" to "Normal". Other settings include "Sardonic English Butler", "Grizzled Old Prospector", and "David Duchovny")
(Amy and Kif return to the cell)
Amy: We're free to go, guys.
Fry: Woohoo! So how was he?
Amy: I didn't sleep with him! He let us go because I own a copy of his book.
Bender: Ah, the old "play to his ego" routine. Brilliant. Seriously, how was he?
(Back aboard the ship. Amy is talking to Zapp on the viewscreen)
Zapp: ...so, while I CAN let you go, I can't permit you to make your delivery. You see, this planet is dangerous, and therefore it falls under Brannigan's Law.
Amy: It's the poorest planet in the galaxy. What threat could it possibly pose to a state-of-the-art starship? Or even this one?
Zapp: Sorry, young Captain Wong, but there's no way around... Brannigan's Law. (cuts off transmission)
Bender: Welp. Guess we came here fer nuthin'. Good work blowin' th'delivery, kid.
Amy: Like hell.
(Amy suddenly guns the engine and takes it into a high-speed plummet into the lower atmosphere)
Bender: Are you nuts? What the hell you doin'?
Amy: I'm gonna have a perfect delivery record if it kills us. Now get the crate over the drop bay.
Bender: I ain't doin'...
Amy: THAT'S AN ORDER, SOLDIER!
Bender: Sir! Following orders, sir!
(CGI: The ship flies through the canyons of an old, decrepit city. When it reaches the town square, a crate is dropped from the drop bay. Hundreds of ragged natives descend on the crate, cheering.
Fry: That was cool, but how are we gonna get past the blockade?
Amy: Just hold on tight to something, and prepare for... Infinite Convenience.
Fry: Not infinite convenience!
Amy: You have no idea what that is, do you?
Fry: No, not really.
Amy: Just hang on.
(As the ship reaches orbit, Amy hits a button labelled "Infinite Convenience (Don't touch this button!). CGI: The ship shudders, then seems to elongate as space warps around it, causing a cool vortex efect. The ship shoots down a tunnel of twisted space and emerges somewhere else.)
(Interior: Bridge. The place is a mess, but reasonably intact)
Amy (lifting herself off the floor): Everyone in one piece?
(Cut to Bender, who's fallen apart on us again.)
Fry (sprawled across the couch): Hmmm... all the parts I care about are still there.
Amy: The good news is that we just covered half the trip back in a couple of seconds. The bad news is, we burned up all our dark matter and now we have to limp back on impulse power.(checking starcharts) Looks like there's a refeuling station not too far from here. So it's not too bad.
(The ship is jolted suddenly)
Amy (curses in Chinese): What now?
Fry: This is just a guess, but maybe it's... space pirates?
(Amy looks at the screen, There's an enormous ship on the screen, marked with a three-eyed Jolly Roger. It has them in a tractor beam and is extending an umbilical toward the entry doors. The doors open.)
Bender: We're, once again, boned.
(Enter Greenbeard and five other pirates. Greenbeard wears a long cout, ruffled shirt, breeches, buckled shoes, a hat with a feather in it. Has an eyepatch, a hook for a right hand, and a robot parrot on his shoulder. Typical space pirate, basically. His beard isn't green)
Greenbeard: Arrr! Hand over yer cargo, or I'll make ye walk the space plank!
Pirate #2 (short, fat guy with a stiped shirt and a bandana): Arrrr!
Pirate #3 (Queequeg type with bare chest and a lot of tatoos): Yo ho!
Parrot: Polly wanna diode!
Pirate #4 (giant monkey): Shiver me timbers!
Pirate #5 (four-armed reptile creature): Keelhaul 'em!
Pirate #6 (pimply-faced kid): Uh... make 'em sleep with the fishes!
Greenbeard: Bloody temp agency.
Amy: Okay, look. We already dropped off our cargo, so I'm gonna give you one chance to get off this ship or else.
(Greenbeard laughs. The other pirates join in)
Pirate #6: I don't get it.
Greenbeard: Arrr arrr arrr! Ye're a fool if ye think ye can take Greenbeard!
Amy (starting to boil over): I don't believe you! Why aren't you leaving? We don't have anything to steal, so you have no reason to be here! And you can't even come up with original costumes, I mean, Space Pirates? Come ON! And "Greenbeard"? Your beard isn't GREEN!
Greenbeard: Nobody talks ta Greenbeard like that! Get 'er men! And get the red-haired guy while ye're at it!
(They charge Amy. Amy gives a Xena yell, then leaps into the air and executes a perfect Leela spin-kick to Greenbeard's head. She lands, pivots, ducking under Pirate #3's cutlas, then delivers a standing roundhouse kick to Pirate #4's midsection. She grabs Pirate #2 by the bandana and slams his face into the bulkhead. Pirate #5 jumps her, but she flips him into pirate #3. Fry, meanwhile, is helping Bender put himself back together. They finish just in time to see Amy punch out the last pirate)
Amy: Now get off my ship! And... don't come back! And get yoursleves real jobs, like, accountants or something! And... Give us some dark matter, we're out!
Greenbeard: Arr, sure, just don't be kickin' me again. That hurt.
(The other pirates arrr in agreement. They hurry back into their ship)
Fry: I didn't know you knew Kung Fu.
Amy (dropping back into the captain's chair): I don't, but I do know Muay Thai kickboxing. (rubbing her knuckles) How does Leela do this all the time?
(Back at Planet Expres)
Leela: ...Tho, my tongue'th thtill a little thwolen, but I think I can handle the thip again.
Amy: Just when I was starting to enjoy it.
Leela: Any problemth with the delivery?
Amy: No, pretty uneventful. BENDER, YOU MAGGOT, GET ME A SODA NOW!
Bender: Yes, sir, getting you a soda sir!
Amy: I'll tell you later.