Part 1: The Parent Rap
Note: Takes place a few months after "Lookin’ for Snu-snu in All the Wrong Places". This story is NOT to be confused with Tim’s fanfic of the same name. No sirree.
(Space. Flyby of a fancy outer-space restaurant. Cut to interior. Lots of couples out tonight. We focus on one in particular…)
Amy: I had a wonderful time, Kif.
Kif: Well, ah…
Amy: Now, I gotta go powder my nose. Why don’t you enjoy the view?
Kif: Um, ah, okay…
(She gets up and heads toward the females’ room. Surreptitiously, she slips her celphone out of her pocket…)
Amy (into celphone): The bird’s in the feeder. Initiate plan Alpha.
(Outside, the Planet Express Ship hangs in space. Interior: Fry, Leela and Bender on board.)
Leela: Okay, guys, launch the torpedoes!
(The ship launches a whole bunch of torpedoes. The first batch form a giant W.)
(In the restaurant, Kif’s attention is grabbed by the sudden burst of light. He looks outside. The torpedoes are spelling out WILL YOU MARR…)
(Interior of the PE ship. Fry and Bender fire the last of the charges. They hi-four.)
Fry: Woo! Didja see that? I was all "boom" an’ they were all "pow" an’ everyone’s gonna be all "awww" an’…
(Leela slaps her forehead in disgust)
(Back inside, Kif watches the explosions. Kif POV: we now see what they spell: WILL YOU MARRY ME KIM. At another table, a young blond woman squeals in delight.)
Kim: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! I will marry you, Henry!
Henry: B-but it’s only our first date…
Kim: Oh, why can’t you men commit?
(Amy rejoins Kif at the table, after watching her big proposal fizzle)
Kif: Did you see that?
Amy: Yeah, uh… Kif… that was supposed to be for you.
(Kif sputters in that entertaining way of his…)
Amy: So… will you marry me?
(Kif faints dead away)
Amy: Is… that a yes?
(Opening credits. Caption: In Looneyvision, where insane)
(Ext CGI shot, a hi-rise apartment building.)
(Interior: Fry & Leela’s new apartment. Everythings still boxed and slipcovered. Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are helping Leela and Fry move in.)
(On Leela, Amy and Fry. Amy and Fry are unpacking stuff, Leela’s looking at paint samples.)
Leela: He said yes?
Amy: Well, first he said (imitates Kif’s sputtering) and then he said yes.
Leela: Did you set a date? Ooh… that color.
Bender: Right… (He pours the paint down his throat, then, using his antenna like an aerosol trigger, sprays the ceiling…)
Amy: First I have to… (she shudders…)
Fry: Have to what?
Amy: Meet his parents.
Leela: It won’t be that bad.
Amy: Yes it will! Kif says his folks are really traditional and they disapprove of interspecies dating.
Amy: Now, I’ve never asked you for anything at all in my…
Leela (rolling her eye): What do you want?
Amy: Do you and Fry wanna come to dinner at my parents’ house tomorrow night? I need someone there in my corner. Pretty please please please?
Leela: Do you promise to never again say "Pretty please please please"?
Amy: Anything! Just don’t leave me alone with two sets of parents!
Leela: Okay. Fry?
Fry: Do they still have the jacuzzi?
Amy: Uh huh.
Fry: I’m in.
Zoidberg: Are you sure you’re not rushing into things? He may have a lot of bad habits, like drinking paint…
Amy: If he does, I accept them…
(He glances at a can of paint… and starts guzzling it. He puts it down. Got paint?)
(CGI: The Wong Mansion (as seen in FC#3). The PE ship sets down on the lawn, possibly squashing a kangaroo.)
(Interior. The Butler (also seen in FC#3) answers the door. Fry’s wearing his good suit, Leela the green Titanic dress…)
Butler: Good evening, sir, ma’am… may I take your coats and burn them?
Leela: Just take them.
(Inez and Leo approach…)
Inez: Oh, hello, you’re Amy’s poor friends, right? How’s that working out?
Leela (barely concealed hostility): We manage.
Fry: The secret is to not pay bills.
(Amy joins them, wearing her black cocktail dress..)
Amy: Oh, good, you made it! (whispers) I owe you big for this…
Leela: And you will pay…
Amy: Now, if things get crazy, try to change the subject, OK?
(cut to parlor)
Leo: Since it’ll be awhile before the Krokers get here, we thought we’d show you some embarassing holograms of Amy…
(Inez pulls out one of those family albums. She opens it, revealing a CD. She hands it to Leo, who slips it into a slot in the table. A projector within the table projects a picture of Amy, at around 18 months old, wearing her diaper on her head. Laughter from everyone except Amy.)
Inez: She was so adorable… oh, here she is being chased by the chickens…
Amy (getting red in the face): Muh-therrrr!
Leo: And here she is at her third birthday. The clown scared her and she tripped and fell in the cake!
(more laughs. Amy tries to disappear into the couch.)
Inez: And here’s the one…
Butler: Sorry to interrupt the humiliation of the young miss, but the Krokers have arrived…
(Enter Pitt and Marcet Kroker, and Pitt’s mother Percina. Very proper sorts, even more snooty than the Wongs, if such a thing is possible… )
Pitt (polite): So, which of you is the worthless tramp that my Kif wants to marry?
Fry (pointing at Amy): Right here.
Amy (nervous): Hi.
Marcet: Not much, is she…
Pitt: Now, now, I’m sure she has some sort of quality that would make Kif want to throw away thousands of years of tradition… perhaps the size of her breasts!
(Shocked reaction from the humans at the table…)
Marcet: But she only has two!
Percina (she sounds like the "pepperpot ladies" from Monty Python): Three’s a right proper number, it is! I don’t like her. Don’t like her ‘tall…
Inez (changing the subject): So, who wants dinner?
(The dinner table. Seated around the table are Inez, Leo, Fry, Leela, Pitt, Marcet, Percina, and Amy. Kif isn’t here yet.)
Leo: So, what do you to for a living?
Pitt: I’m the Chief Historian of Greenia. My wife is a professor of antiquities at Greenia University.
Leela: That must be fascinating.
Marcet: Greenia has a long, rich traditional history… which my son apparently cares nothing for. (looks pointedly at Amy)
Fry: Um… so, do you have tenure yet?
Pitt: What kind of hold do you have over him? Some sort of mind control, perhaps? Hypnosis?
Percina: She’s a witch, she is! A bleedin’ witch!
Leela: Uh… so, horrible weather we’re having, isn’t it? All this rain…
Marcet: That’s ridiculous. She’s obviously after his money.
Percina: She’s a bleedin’ gold-digger! After me poor Kifferson’s inheritance…
Fry: Hey, this is a great side dish! What do you call it?
Pitt: So, you admit you’re only interested in his money?
Amy: No, of course not! I’m a billionaire! I don’t need anyone’s money!
Percina: It’s a trophy ‘usband she’s wantin’! She’ll use ‘im up and drop ‘im for some young stud…
Amy (to herself): Kif, where are you?
(Cut to Zapp’s bathroom)
Kif: But sir, I’ve scrubbed this toilet 14 times already!
Zapp: Scrub it again. I want to be able to see my face in that toilet. And do it quickly, lunch isn’t agreeing with me…
(Cut back to dinner)
Amy: Look, I care a lot for Kif, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him!
Marcet: Until you get tired of him, right? I know your type…
Leela (clearing throat): So, who do you like in the Galaxy Series? I’m rooting for the Yankees. I hope they whip the Greenskins’ butts.
Leo (irritated): I own the Greenskins.
Leela: Well, it’s just a game after all.
Marcet: Well, we had a lovely time. Too bad your daughter had to be here…
Amy: That’s IT! I’ve been sitting here through the whole damn meal listening to you insult me! It’s obvious that nothing I do can convince you that I love your son. You know what? I don’t care! He knows how much I love him, and that’s all that matters!
Pitt: Unless we invoke the right of refusal.
Percina: Right, the right of refusal.
Marcet: We can forbid you from ever seeing him again!
(Gasp from the crowd)
Marcet: Of course, there’s the Kal-To-Par-Ni-Flatch…
Amy: What’s that?
Pitt: It’s a challenge that the prospective bride or groom must go through. If you survi—er, pass the challenge, then we cannot refuse you.
Marcet: But she’ll never agree to th—
Amy: Anything! I’ll do it!
(Cut to an arena on the planet Greenia. A huge slavering monster is shackled to the ground. Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Farnsworth stare up at it.)
(End of Part 1!)
Special thanks to Theta for the "Where’s Kif?" joke. I’ll try to get Part 2 out soon, be patient!