(Note: This episode takes place exactly three years after "Brannigan Begin Again" All characters created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen.)
(Fry and Bender, as usual, vegged out in front of the TV. Leela's reading "The Andromedan Connection" (by Tom Clancy's Head) on the chair next to the couch)
Fry: I don't know, Bender, this looks vaguely educational.
Bender: Trust me, we ain't gonna learn nothin'.
(On TV, a nature show. The Australian guy from "How Hermes Requisitioned his Groove Back" is stalking something that looks like a cross between a buffalo and a rhino)
Aussie (shouting): Now, the elusive rhinuffalo is known to charge at the slightest sound, so you have t'be very quiet! (The rhinuffalo starts snorting and stamping) Oh crikey, I've been shouting this whole bloody time, haven't I? (The rhinuffalo charges) Oh,.strewth, I'm still shouting, aren't I!
(Leela looks up from her book)
Leela: I've seen this one. (goes back to reading)
(The others go on watching. Bender laughs at the Aussie's misfortune)
Aussie: Oh bugger, it's tramplin' me! It's crushin' me precious spine!
(Futurama opening credits. Caption: No robots were harmed in the making of this episode, except for Bender)
(Staff meeting, the usual suspects are seated around the table. Hermes is giving a presentation)
Hermes:... And dat concludes my report on de cute thing my baby daughter did last night.
(Everybody except Bender goes "Awwww....")
Hermes: Now, on to today's deliveries. (Pause) There are no deliveries today. Do whatever you want.
Fry: Awright, a day off! Time to celebrate with some delicious coffee, filled with wonderful, addictive caffeine.
(He pours himself a cup, takes a sip, and spits it out, clutching the side of his face in pain)
Fry: Coffee too hot... tooth in pain.... must finish coffee...
(He takes another sip, and spits it out, screaming in pain)
Bender: What th'hells wrong wit' you, bonebag?
Leela: Is it your tooth?
Fry: No, it's the coffee. It's too hot.
Amy: Fry, that coffee's been sitting out all morning. It's about as hot as... Hermes, help me out, I'm no good with similes.
Hermes: It's about as hot as a snowball on Pluto durin' de cold season.
Fry: Anyway... OW!!! MY TOOTH!!!... It's not my tooth.
Leela: Fry, when was the last time you saw a dentist?
Fry: Let's see.... (counting on his fingers) 1,016 years.
Leela: Let me take a look at it.
Fry: No, that's o..
(Leela grabs Fry by the head and pries open his upper lip. The others get a look at his tooth (we don't) and gasp in horror)
Prof: Sweet Zombie Christ on toast with a side of hash browns and and bacon...
Hermes: Enough about your breakfast, mon! Fry has a serious dental emergency, which means I have mere minutes to get him to sign dese legal waivers!
Leela: I'm no expert, but... is it supposed to pulsate like that?
Zoidberg: How should I know? Vhat do I look like, somebody who can tell vhat's wrong vith people?
Leela: Fry, this is serious. You have to see a dentist.
Fry: No dentists! I had a bad experience the last time!
(Flashback to 1987. Fry, at 12 (he looks like a slimmer Cubert), is strapped into an unconfortable-looking chair. An insane-looking dentist advances on him, wielding a nasty drill. He leans in and cryptically asks "Is it saaaaaaaaafe?")
Fry: Wait, maybe that was something I saw in a movie.
Leela: Look, I'll give you the address of my dentist. He's in the Contrivance Building, on MacGuffin and 12th.
Fry: Might as well. The pain's getting closer to the unbearable level. Besides, in this century, going to the dentist is probably painless, right?
Prof: Oh, my, no. If anything, it's probably more painful. That's why I gave up entirely and went with dentures. Speaking of which, have you tracked down the rascal who's been using them as castanets?
Amy (shredding a picture of herself in a flamenco outfit): I don't think we'll ever solve that mystery, Professor.
(Later that day. Exterior shot of the Contrivance Building. Cut to interior. Fry exits the turbolift, he sees a door. The door has a sign next to its right that says "Dr. Zarkov, DDS". There's a man standing next to the sign with his arm out at an odd angle, obviously blocking part of the sign.)
Fry: That must be the place.
(He enters the door)
Man: Why am I standing here? (leaves)
(The sign now looks like this:
<----- Crazy Scientist
Dr. Zarkov, DDS --------->)
(Fry sits down in the waiting room and thumbs through a copy of "Experiments Forbidden by Man and God Monthly" (the cover features a man and a baboon with their heads switched). Meanwhile, we look into the office, where Dr. Archimedes Thorne (who looks like Dr. Sivana from the old "Shazam!" comics) is talking to a shadowy figure on a monitor.)
Thorne: But master, I need more time.
SF (deep, distorted voice): You have been stalling for too long. The rededication ceremony is tomorrow. Glab must die on schedule.
Thorne: Yes, master. I just need to find the proper assassin.
SF: See that you do, or there will be grave consequences. Probably involving your death.
(He cuts off the transmission)
Thorne: Now I must locate a complete moron. Better start looking, it's not like one is sitting in my waiting room reading my magazines.
(Fry pops his head into the office)
Fry: Hey, are you gonna take a look at my teeth today, or what?
Thorne: Quiet, you complete moron! Wait... yes, yes, excellent. Let's have a look at you.
(A few minutes later. Fry is strapped down in the Clockwork Orange chair)
Fry: Cool, what are those flashing lights for?
Thorne: Anesthesia. Yes, you wont feel a thing.
(He starts laughing maniacally. Fry joins in, tentatively)
Thorne: Quiet, you fool! Only I may laugh like a maniac!
(Thorne resumes laughing. Fry slowly fades out of consciousness.)
(The next day, at Planet Express. Fry walks into the lounge, where the others are waiting)
Amy: Hey, Fry. How'd it go at the dentist?
Fry (zombielike): My dental problems were treated in an unremarkable manner. I am now in perfect health and not in any way under anyone's control.
Amy (uneasy): Oooookaaaaay...
(The Professor enters)
Prof: Good news, everyone! The new DOOP headquarters has finally been rebuilt, and the dedication ceremony is tonight! Once again, we will be delivering the giant novelty scissors to cut the ribbon! Isn't that exciting.
Fry: Excellent, this turn of events will allow me to complete my objective.
Leela (uneasy): Right... Fry, did Dr. Zarkov give you too many painkillers?
Fry: Yes. Yes, that will be my excuse. Now to smile reassuringly.
(He smiles. We zoom in on his upper left molar, which has been replaced by a metallic tooth-shaped implant with blinking lights embedded in it.)
Leela: Zapp Brannigan won't be there, will he?
Prof: Oh, my, yes, he most certainly will.
Leela: Ugh, I'm getting a serious case of deja vu.
Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent, that's the only condition I'm allowed to prescribe medication for.
(He hands Leela a vial labeled "Cenitol B4")
Zoidberg: Take two of these vhenever you feel you are experiencing something you have experienced before.
Leela: I'm sure I won't need these.
Prof: Here are the scissors. But for god's sake, don't run with them!
(Leela takes two pills.)
(Exterior: The PE ship docks at the new new DOOP headquarters, in orbit around the Neutral Planet. Cut to the interior. Leela, Fry, Bender and Amy leave the airlock, and meet Zapp, who's waiting for them.)
Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela... and you other people.
Leela: Just take the damn scissors so that we can...
Bender: I'm gonna go practice my griftin'.
Amy: I'm gonna go gawk at all the really wierd aliens.
Fry (monotone): I must kill the Chairbeing...
Leela: Fine, we'll stay for the ceremony.
Zapp: Excellent. I shall enjoy spending the night in your company.
Leela (fake cheer): Great! Why don't I throw myself out the airlock?
(Reception area. A representative from just about every alien race we've seen on the show is here. There's even a delegation of Omicronians. Bender's talking to some fembots from Chapek 9)
Bender: So, it ain't easy bein' the richest, sexiest, most popular robot on Earth, but somehow I manage t'get through the day...
Fembot 1: Is it true that you know Earth President Nixon?
Bender: Know him? He got inta office on my shoulders! Literally!
Fembot 2: Do you really have your own cooking show?
Bender: Yep. I got a really good makeup guy. They make me look like a four-armed purple dude. It's a role I play.
(Meanwhile, Kif is working his way through the crowd)
Kif: I can't believe I got away from Captain Bozo...
(He bumps into someone)
Kif: I'm sorry...
Kif: It's, ah...
Amy: It's been a while...
(They look at each other uncomfortably for a few moments)
Amy: Wanna do it in one of the supply closets?
(He looks heavenward and mouths "Thank you!" as they head away from the crowd.)
(Meanwhile, Leela is being bored by Zapp)
Zapp: And that's how I bravely defeated the Lazies of Sloth-12.
Leela: What part of "Leave me alone, you mouth-breathing Neanderthal" don't you understand?
Zapp: I love your sparkling wit, Leela. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd think you weren't hopelessly in love with me!
(Thankfully, the dedication ceremony is about to start. Two Blatant Service agents carry Boutros-Boutros Ghali's head to the podium. The crowd applauds.)
Boutros-Boutros: Thank you, everyone. As the former United Nations General Secretary with the funniest name, It is my pleasure to welcome you all to the new headquarters of the Democratic Order of Planets. Now, let's have a big appendage for Chairbeing Yianna Glab!
(More applause. We see Glab ascending the podium. Cut to Fry, taking a raygun out of his jacket.)
Glab: Thank you, ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, androgynes, and beings who have a completely different concept of gender. Welcome to the new DOOP complex. I promise that we won't blow this one up. (laughter) I'd like to extend a special welcome to DOOP's newest member, Omicron Persei 8!
(The spotlight falls on Lrrr and Ndndn.)
Ndndn (elbows Lrrr, whispers): Say something!
Lrrr (whispers): I didn't prepare anything. I didn't think I'd have to speak.
Ndndn: Just say anything. I won't be embarrassed at my first DOOP function.
Lrrr: Fine, fine! (out loud) Thank you for the gracious welcome.
Ndndn: Oh, THAT was really memorable.
Glab: Now, for the ceremonial ribbon cutting, I call upon the Neutral Planet's own Ambassador Ehhhh.
(Ehhhh takes the scissors. Fry's POV: He has Glab in his sights. He fires. Suddenly, Bender knocks Glab out of the way. The blast misses both of them and hits the ribbon instead, cutting it. The audience applauds)
Glab: You brave, brave robot! You risked your life to save mine! I'll see to it that you're well-rewarded!
Bender: Actually, I was just knockin' people over at random... Did you say rewarded? As I was sayin', I had nothin' on my mind except your safety.
(Two Blatant Service agents grab Fry and disarm him. Zapp strolls up to him, looking disgusted and pompous.)
Zapp: So, a cowardly assassination attempt. Such things sicken me. I smell the apathetic hand of the Neutral in this, Kif... Say, where IS Kif?
Leela: I'd tell you, but that would mean I'd have to speak to you.
Fry: Let me go! The Chairbeing must perish as planned!
Leela: That really doesn't sound like Fry. Come to think of it, he hasn't been his usual stupid self since... That's it!
(She walks up to Fry, forces his mouth open, and notices the fake molar. She pulls it out (USING HER BARE FINGERS!). Fry screams in pain.)
Fry: What happened? Why are these goons holding me?
Leela: Fry? Are you you again?
Fry: I think so.
Leela: What was the last thing you remember?
Fry: The dentist strapped into this chair, then he started laughing like a lunatic.
Leela: That doesn't sound like Zarkov. He doesn't lauigh insanely until he gives you his bill. Are you sure you didn't go to the mad scientist next door?
Fry: Y'know, now that I think of it, his magazines were really weird... and up-to-date.
Leela: That tears it. That was no dentist.
(She looks at the molar implant)
Leela: I bet there was an outside signal monitoring you. Amy should take a look at this. Where could she be?
(Outside Supply Closet 3. Leela opens it)
Leela: Sorry to interrupt you, Amy, but we need you to take a look at...
(She stops. Instead of Amy and Kif, she has stumbled onto a male Trisollian and a Fembot)
Leela: Oh, I'm really sorry. I thought you were someone else. Have you seen a human female in pink?
Trisollian: Three closets down.
Leela: Thanks. Forget I was ever here.
Fembot: Don't tell anyone about our forbidden love!
(DOOP HQ communications center. Fry, Bender, Leela, Amy, Kif, Zapp, and Glab are here. Amy and Kif look a little disheveled, and Kif has a goofy grin on his face. Fry is being held by two Blatant Service goons. Amy's examining the implant with some sort of eyepiece.)
Zapp: What are you so happy about, Kif?
Kif: I just joined the million-mile-high club, sir.
Zapp: Oh, them. They give you the first six micro-CD's for free, but then they jack up the price! That's just not playing fair, dammit.
Amy: You were right, Leela. .
Leela: So, the implant was controlling him?
Amy: Mmm-hmm. It's designed to overlay someone else's thought patterns over his own.
Leela: Which means he's not responsible for his actions. Which means you can release him now.
Goon 1: Madame Chairbeing?
Glab: Yes, release him.
Amy: This thing's still receiving an outside signal, which I can trace...
Zapp: I knew it. Those magnificent Neutral bastards! We must begin the carpet-bombing immediately!
Amy: Actually, it's coming from Earth... New New York... Twelfth and MacGuffin...
Leela: The Contrivance Building! So we CAN trace this back to Fry's dental visit!
Glab: We must get to the bottom of this assasination attempt. For that reason, I am deputizing the four of you as special agents of DOOP.
Zapp: Isn't this the sort of operation that demands the presence of a brilliant military mind?
Leela: I agree. If you find one, alert us immediately.
Fry: Cool! I'm a secret agent! I'm gonna be all (immitating Sean Connery) Shaken not stirred, and the bad guy'll be all (immitating Goldfinger) No, Mr. Fry, I expect you to die, and Odd Job'll be all (mimes throwing razor hat)...
(Back at Thorne's office. The PE crew (now wearing the black and grey uniforms and Ray-Bans (Leela has the one-lensed version, of course) of the DOOP Secret Sevice) has cornered Dr. Thorne. Amy and Fry are playing Good Cop/Bad Cop with him.)
Fry: All right, you lousy punk, I want the truth outta you. Who are you working for? (slaps him) Answer me, dammit!
Amy: I think you'd better cooperate, Doctor. I can't keep him under control forever, and he's been having problems at home and a drinking problem and an unhappy childhood, so... (slaps him) Tell me the TRUTH, you little freak! (slaps him again)
Thorne (bored): Could the two of you PLEASE decide which of you is the bad cop?
Fry: I thought we agreed I was gonna be the bad cop.
Amy: Oh, you're ALWAYS the bad cop. I never get to be the bad cop.
Leela: This is the first time either of you has been any type of cop. So knock it off.
Fry & Amy: (sigh) Yes, Leela.
Leela: You might as well talk. Staying quiet isn't going to get you anywhere.
Bender: Yeah! Yer boss set ya up and hung ya out t'dry. You been used like Amy on payday.
Thorne: Very, well. Yes, I did it. But I have no idea who the boss was. No, he never revealed his identity to me. Never ever ever... You're not buying this, are you?
Thorne: Fine. It was President Nixon. Satisfied?
Fry: President Nixon? Do you mean the President planned this?
Thorne: I believe saying that "President Nixon" was responsible implies that, yes...
(Amy slaps him again)
Amy: Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.
(The PE ship lands outside the White House (in the Rose Garden, crushing most of the good roses). Leela gets out, followed by Fry and Bender, and finally Amy, who's struggling under the weight of an enourmous rifle that looks like it was just put together a few minutes ago, which it was.)
Fry: First I try to kill the DOOP chairbeing, then I slap around a mad scientist, and now we're storming the White House. This is officially the fifth-weirdest day of my life.
Leela: Amy, are you sure that quantum pulse rifle will be useful if Nixon's using the giant robot today?
Amy: No, but it was the best I could do in a half-hour.
(They get to the main door.)
Guard (Special Guest Voice: Don Knotts!): Okay, people, move along. No one gets in without an appointment.
Leela: I have my appointment right here.
(She sucker-punches him.)
Guard: Down I go. (collapses)
(They get inside.)
Leela: Bender, I need you to create a diversion. You know, break some things, do some looting.
Bender: Looting, eh? I believe that can be arranged.
(He runs off, stopping long enough to grab a Gilbert-esque portrait of the first robot president off the wall and shove it into his chest compartment.)
(Leela and Fry run toward the Oval Office, Leela stopping to knock down the occasional goon. Amy staggers far behind them, obviously having trouble with the huge rifle on her back.)
Amy: Next time, I build the compact version.
(Leela and Fry arrive at the Oval Office. They find Nixon's head siiting on a booster chair behind the desk.)
NIxon: What is the meaning of this?
Leela: The game's up, Nixon. We know that you were behind the assassination attempt on Chairbeing Glab.
Nixon: Whyyyyy, this is an outrage! To suggest that I, Richard Nixon, would be responsible for such a dastardly deed is absurd, no doubt the work of the liberal media...
Leela: Give it up. And don't try any of that "New Nixon" crap with me. Thorne told us everything.
Nixon: Oooooh, Thorne's going on my list.... wait, I remember you. (addressing Fry) And you. (To Amy, who just staggered in) You, I've never seen before, but I'm sure you're against me too.
Leela: In the name of the Democratic Order of Planets, I'm arresting you for the attempted assassination of Chairbeing Glab. Fry, read him his rights.
Fry (reading from a small card): You have the right to wear an enormous hat covered with fresh fruit. You have the right to dance the Samba. You have the right to sing the top Latin hits of the 1940's... These don't sound right.
Leela: You're reading him the Carmen Miranda rights. The other ones are on the back.
Nixon: Now you've done it. You've forced me to go negative.
Fry: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do, use your magic severed head powers? Where's your big, bad robot body, Mister President?
Nixon: Right behind that wall.
(The giant robot comes crashing through the wall.)
Nixon: Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oooooh, you're in for it now.
(Amy shoves the rifle into Leela's hands)
Amy: Here, you're a better shot than I am. It takes ninety seconds to cycle up to full power.
Amy: I'll distract him! (runs at him waving her arms) Hey, ugly! Yeah, you! You couldn't nail me if you tried! You're big, slow, and clumsy, and your budget plan is nothing more than warmed-over trickle-down crap!
(Nixon grabs her. She starts screaming in her other language. Nixon tosses her, still screaming, across the room. She hits the wall and lands on the floor on a pile of wreckage.)
Nixon: How do you like that! That's my new China policy!
Leela: That's it. Fry, go make sure Amy's all right. As for you... Nobody slaps my crew around except me.
(She fires. The blast hits Nixon's robot body dead center, knocking it back through another wall.
(Bender enters. He's wearing Lincoln's stovepipe hat and carrying Grant's bottle of tequila.)
Bender: I gotta tell ya, when I create a diversion, I create a diversion. I stole everything of value, I set the bowlin' alley on fire, I blew up the Green Room, unholied the chapel, and you don't wanna know what I did in the swimmin' pool... Is this a bad time?
Leela: No. we're just wrapping up.
(Fry is checking up on Amy)
Fry: Do you remember where we are?
Amy (dazed): The White House?
Fry: And who am I?
Fry: Good. And who are you?
Amy (utterly serious): I'm Batman.
Fry: No, you're not.
Amy: Good. I don't like Batman.
(Nixon staggers back into the office)
Nixon: They said Dick Nixon was finished in '60. They said Dick Nixon was finished in '74. They said Dick Nixon was dead in '94. But you can never get rid of me! I'm the boogeyman that haunts your waking nightmares!
(He raises his massive arm to crush them. It falls off. So does the other one. Then the whole body collapses. The jar containing his head falls off, and rolls to a stop at Leela's feet.)
Nixon: Uh... Vote Nixon in '04!
Leela: So... who's up for some soccer?
Amy: Yeah! Let's kick Dick Nixon around!
Nixon: Ooooooh, you think you've won. But mark my words, Ol' Tricky Dick'll get out of this one!
(Cut to the Senate floor. It looks like the Senate scenefrom "The Phantom Menace")
Chairman: All those in favor of removing Nixon's head from office?
Chairman: All those opposed?
Lone voice (obviously Nixon trying to disguise his voice): Nay.
Chairman: Let the record state that by a vote of 8,926 to 0, President Nixon has been removed from office.
Nixon: Oooooh, you'll all pay for this. You haven't heard the last of Nixon!
Chairman: Yes, we have. Guards, prepare the cannon.
Nixon: What? What cannon?
Chairman: According to the 173rd Amendment, any chief executive removed from office is to be shot into the center of the sun... that is, unless the new President pardons him.
Gerald Ford's Head: Nope, I'm not making that mistake again. Let him fry.
(Cut to PE lounge, where the crew is watching the coverage on TV. If you look closely, you notice that Fry, Leela, Bender, and Amy are wearing shiny new medals.)
Leela: Fry, don't you want to see how this turns out? I mean, you're the one who started the whole thing.
Fry (dismissive): I have one rule about watching C-SPAN: Don't.
Amy: Shhhhh! They're loading him into the cannon!
Nixon (on the TV): Just you wait. I'm gonna turn this one around...
(Hermes pokes his head out of his office)
Hermes: I need to see all of you in me office now!
(Exterior of Hermes' office. The "Chewing Out in Progress" sign is up)
Hermes (from inside): I send you to deliver a simple pair of giant novelty scissors, and what do you do? You get involved in an assassination attempt, trash de White House, and bring down de government!
(cut to inside)
Hermes (furious): Just what in de name of Jah were ya thinkin'?
Leela: Oh, come on. You can't believe we planned this.
Hermes: I don't care if you planned it or not. I can't condone your extreme tactics!
Amy: But... Look! We got cool medals!
Hermes: No excuses! All of you are fired!
Hermes: Mon, dat felt good. Okay, you're hired again. We have to deliver a shipment of Vapo-Rub to the Retirement Planet. Try not to blow the place up.