AUTHOR'S NOTE: Futurama and all related characters, except for Argus Leela, created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen.
This story is a sequel to my previous fanscript "Secrets and Eyes: The Truth About Leela". Things you need to know:
1) In "S&E", Leela discovered that she isn't an alien (as she originally thought), but a mutant. She is the daughter of Argus and Iris Leela. Iris died shortly after Leela was born. Right before she died, she made Argus promise that Leela would grow up on the surface. Argus left Leela at the Orphanarium, then disappeared for parts unknown.
2) Amy graduted from Mars U. about 1 1/2 years ago and now works as PE's resident engineer, and has filled in for Leela as captain at least once. She was recently reunited with Kif and is still seeing him.
SECRETS AND EYES II: Reunion
(Flyby of the Nimbus. Cut to bridge. Zapp is pacing back and forth, pontificating; Kif stands in his usual pose of silent defeat)
Zapp: I can't get her out of my mind, Kif. She's bold, beautiful, exotic... Soon, though... I shall make her... mine.
Zapp: Since you will never know the love of a good woman, Kif, I doubt you understand the urges that drive me.
Kif: Actually, sir, I do have a girlfriend...
Zapp: Yes, this (finger quotes) "imaginary girlfriend" of yours. An engineer! From Mars, of all places! I would laugh if I wasn't sickened by the patheticness of it all.
Zapp: Anyway, the lovely Leela has rejected me in the past, but this envelope...
Kif: Folder, sir.
Zapp: Don't contradict your superior officer. This folder shall be the key to winning her heart!
(We zoom in on the folder in his hand. It's labelled "A. Leela- last known whereabouts")
(Opening titles. Caption: As denounced by the Republican Party)
(PE meeting table. The usual suspects are here.)
Leela: I hope this'll be a quick delivery. I have tickets to the Keith Richards concert tonight.
Fry: Don't you mean Keith Richards's head?
Professor (entering): Oh my, no. Centuries of chemical dependancy have left Keith Richards in a state resembling mummification. Now he roams the world, playing before sold-out audiences and feasting on the blood of the living.
Zoidberg (eerie): They say that if he bites you, you turn into Ron Vood.
Hermes: Nonsense, dat's just a load o' tarantula dung, ya surf n' turf platter waitin' ta happen. Ya actually become Charlie Watts.
Professor: It doesn't matter which Rolling Stone you become, it's still a fate much worse than death. Now then, today you're going to Paradise-9.
Fry: That sounds pretty good.
Professor: Why, it's even better than that. Paradise-9 is the hangout of choice for every cutthroat, assassin, space-pirate, gangster, thug, and street mime in the galaxy. Why, they'd sooner disembowel you than give you a tip. Have a lovely time!
Leela: (sigh) I guess that's it for Keith...
Zoidberg: Can I have the tickets?
Leela: Sure, knock yourself out.
Zoidberg: Oboy! Now if only I had a friend to take...
(Flyby of PE ship. Cut to interior of ship. We see that Amy has switched to her "Captain" outfit (from "On a Wong and a Prayer") and has an ornate dagger (the one she took from the assassin in "How ya Gonna Keep
'Em...") on her belt.)
Leela: Don't you think you're overdoing it with the dagger?
Amy: You heard the Professor. They have (shudder) MIMES there. Horrible little white-faced freaks, pretending they're stuck in a damn box, like that's clever or entertaining. Well, it's not!
(She notices everyone's staring at her)
Amy: Am I wrong?
Leela: No, everyone hates mimes, but you're overreacting.
Amy: AM I?!! AM I?!!!! Okay, I am, but those... things just creep me out.
Leela: We all have things we're afraid of.
Fry: What are you afraid of?
Leela: None of your business.
Fry: Spiders? Is it spiders? It's spiders, isn't it?
(Leela ignores him)
Fry (whispering to Amy): It's spiders.
Bender: Well, I ain't afraida nuthin'.
Fry (whispers): Seltzer.
(His head spins around really fast, than flies off, across the bridge, bounces off the ceilling and the wall, and rolls to a stop near the couch.)
Bender's head: Uh... little help?
(The ship flies toward a reddish-orange planet. It enters the atmosphere, and passes a floating welcoming sign, which says "Welcome to Paradise-9: 'A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy'". The ship lands on the outskirts of the city. The crew disembarks, Fry and Bender are carrying a large crate. Leela presses a button on a keychain, and we hear a security system engage. The she attatches "The Club for Starships" to the door. We get a look at some of the sights of the city. Signs advertise "Crackhouse 6", "Joe's Illegal Weapons", "The Torture Room", "Mutilation While-U-Wait", "U-Kill-it-We-Hide-the-Corpse", "Controlled Substances-R-Us", "Bubba's House-o-Perversions", and "The Invisible Shrinking Box". Bender stares, his eyes are extended all the way.)
Bender (awed): It's everythin' I ever dreamed it would be...
(He runs off, giggling like a schoolgirl. Amy rushes to catch his end of the crate.)
Fry: Do we go after him?
Leela: M'eh. He'll be back once he pisses someone off. (points) That's where we have to go.
Amy (nervous): Not the (gulp) mime bar?
Leela: No, next door.
(She indicates the bar next door, "Moe Isley's Cantina". They enter the bar, which I swear is absolutely nothing like the one in Star Wars, and I'll continue to swear it to my dying breath. Leela approaches the bartender with a futuristic clipboard. The bartender bears a very close resemblance to another bartender named Moe.)
Leela: Mr. Isely, we need you to sign for this crate of cocktail onions.
Moe: Yeah, sure. (a belch is heard from the far end of the bar) Hey, calm down, Glarney, they're comin'! You can bring 'em behind the bar, (they do so) an'... hey, yer a chick, ain't you. We don't get too many foxy broads in here, an' ya got the eye thing, sure, but that ain't what I'm lookin' at, ya got me?
Leela: I hope not.
Moe: Heh heh... Hey, what about...
Amy (as if it's the most obvious thing in the world): No...
Moe: Well, lemme getcha a drink, then. Ya like Bismollian Ale?
Leela: Do you have anything that isn't toxic to humanoids?
Moe: Yeah, yeah, we got lotsa stuff here. How 'bout Pygorean Bourbon? That only makes ya blind.
Leela: Just give us some water.
Moe: Uh... trust me, y'don't want that.
(They sit at one of the tables, with drinks in front of them. The drinks are a shade of purple that does not exist in nature. Amy's has an umbrella in it, which slowly dissolves into the glass. She eyes it nervously.)
Amy: I don't think I'm gonna be thirsty... I mean ever.
Leela: Yeah, I don't know why I accepted these... FRY!
(Fry is finishing his drink. He puts it down, leaving a "moustache" of the purple stuff)
Leela: Well, we still have the emergency stomach pump aboard the ship... I think we'd better go back.
Fry: What about Bender?
Leela: Well, we can't just leave him... or can we?... No, he's sure to get around to this bar eventually. I'll wait for him, you two go back to the ship.
Amy: Got it.
(Leela drums her fingers on the table fo a while, watching her drink roil. A shadow looms over her)
Zapp: Ah... I see you are alone.
Leela: Actually, I was just leaving.
(She gets up and starts toward the door)
Zapp: Is my company that unpleasant for you?
Leela (still heading toward the door): Obviously...
Zapp: I know where your father is.
(Leela stops dead in her tracks. She turns around.)
Zapp: I recently came into the possession of this document, which reveals the most recent whereabouts of one Argus Leela.
Leela: Can I see it?
Zapp: I'm afraid it's "eyes only". What I can tell you is why I'm here.
Kif: He followed you.
Zapp: Don't you have somewhere to be?
Leela: It's all right. Our ship is parked about a block from here, and I think there's someone waiting there who'd like to see you.
(Kif brightens up, and leaves)
Zapp: Ah, yes, I read his mail, and he seems to correspond a lot with your gay friend.
Leela: I don't know who you mean...
Zapp: You know... Annie or something?
Leela (barely containing laughter): You think she's gay?
Zapp: She turned down a shot at the Zapper. What do you think that means?
Leela: She has more taste than I give her credit for?
Zapp: Taste, Leela... or toast?
Leela: That didn't even come remotely near making sense.
Zapp: Very little makes sense in this crazy galaxy. But what does make sense is this: I am on my way to Argus's location, and I'm giving you a chance to come along.
Leela: Give me a minute to discuss it with my crew.
(Interior: Bridge, PE ship. Fry and Amy are talking to Leela on the monitor.)
Leela: I don't know... is it worth being on the same ship as Brannigan?
Amy: Do you really have to answer that? You can handle Zapp. Can you handle missing this kind of opportunity?
Fry: Yeah! If you don't get on that ship, Leela, you're gonna regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe never. But you will regret it. Unless it's never. Which it proably won't be.
Leela: Thanks... I'd pretty much made up my mind already, but I needed to hear from you. The ship's yours, Amy. I'll activate the homing beacon in my WristThingy when I get there, so you can follow me.
Fry: Maybe the problems of five people and a robot don't add up to a hill of beans...
Amy: Right. Did you find Bender?
Fry: Play it again, Sam...
Leela: No, but I'm sure he'll turn up soon. Meanwhile, you should have a guest around...
(There's a knock at the door.)
(Exterior: Kif is waiting at the door, carrying a bouquet. The door slides open.)
Kif: Hello, I... (Amy's hand grabs the front of his shirt and yanks him inside) Gahhh!!
Fry (inside): This could be the beginning of a beautiful...
Amy (inside): Shut UP....
(Nimbus: Zapp's Ready Room. Imagine if Picard's ready room was decorated in Early Tasteless.)
Zapp: Welcome to my Ready Room, or as I like to call it, my "Office".
Leela (looking around dubiously): Right...
Zapp: I see you're admiring my original signed edition of "Valley of the Dolls." And, over there, I have a genuine Lava Lamp. Amazing, isn't it?
Leela: Words fail me.
Zapp: Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
Leela: If you mean that I want to choke myself to death, then, yeah, it does.
Zapp: Ha, I'd forgotten your quick wit. Care for some Sham-PANE, my dear?
Leela (rapidly losing what little patience she had): Look, I didn't come here to be subjected to your clumsy attempts at seduction. I came because you have information about my father. Are you going to share that information with me, or do I make you turn this ship around and take me back to my crew?
Zapp: Ah, I see, business before pleasure.
Leela: No, business before you slink back to your quarters for a cold shower. Now, tell me where my father is and what connection you have with him!
Zapp: Leela, I'm sorry to tell you this... I'm here to take your father into DOOP custody.
(Leela's eye widens in shock.)
(Back on the bridge of the ship. Fry is sitting in his chair, alone, reading "Slacker Magazine" (This Month: How to loaf while simultaneously goofing off). Thumping and giggling can be heard from the rear of the ship. Fry looks irritated. Bender enters.)
Fry: About time you got back. What were you doing the whole time?
Bender: Uh... You know, drinkin', whorin', mail fraud... th'usual. What th'hell's goin' on back there?
Fry (annoyed): Amy and her boyfriend are going at it again.
(Fry walks to the back wall and bangs on it)
Fry: Hey! (bangs again) Could you stop playing handball and go have some sex so I can concentrate?
Amy (behind wall): Fine! Smeesh, you're so touchy!
(Zapp's ready room)
Leela: Let me get this straight: you're arresting my father?
Zapp: Leela, this may come as a shock to you, but your father is one of the top men in the organization of Trepur H'codrum, the most ruthless crime lord in this system.
Leela: Again: You're arresting my father? How? DOOP has no jurisdiction on Paradise! There are no laws here!
Zapp: True, which is why I have brought my own law to this planet, a law I call... Brannigan's Law. And your father has violated Brannigan's Law, and so, must face... Brannigan's Justice. (Zapp's commlink beeps) Ahh... we've arrived.
(Leela looks out the window and sees a huge complex in the middle of the desert)
Zapp: And so, we beard the lion in his den.
Leela: Do you ever say anything that isn't a cliché?
(PE ship bridge. Amy and Kif have rejoined Fry and Bender. The console beeps.)
Amy: There's her signal. Looks like she's on the night side of the planet. Ready to crash the family reunion?
Bender: Try an' stop me.
(Fry and Amy look at him funny.)
Bender: Uh... cuz family reunions have booze at 'em.
(In front of the desert fortress. Leela and Zapp are about a mile off. One of the Nimbus's shuttles is parked nearby.)
Zapp: Formidable, to be sure, but I have thousands upon thousands of troops at my disposal, ready to die needlessly at my command while I watch at a distance at relative safety, by which I mean complete safety.
(Leela starts walking toward the fortress)
Zapp: Wait, where are you going? There's danger in that direction! There's safety right here! Why move away from safety and toward the danger?
Leela: My father's in that complex, and I need to see him, even if he's supposed to be this dangerous criminal. Don't even think of getting in my way. I just don't have any patience for any more of your idiocy today.
(She continues walking.)
Zapp: Does that mean we're off for dinner?
(The PE ship lands next to the shuttle. Fry, Amy, Kif, and Bender disembark)
Zapp: And just where have you been, Kif?
Kif: With my "phantom" girlfriend, sir.
Zapp: Kif, I'm disappointed in you. Paying Leela's obviously gay friend to pose as your significant other? I'm shocked and appalled.
(Kif and Amy groan in unison)
Fry: Hey, isn't that Leela heading toward the fortress?
Amy: Yeah... should we hang back and let her be, or back her up?
Bender: I say we go with her.
(They stare at him)
Fry: You feelin' all right, pal?
Bender: Uh, yeah... I mean, let's go t'the fortress, it's probably full of stuff to steal.
Fry: Now that's the Bender we know and tolerate!
Zapp: I just wish she hadn't gone down there.
Zapp: Because my strike force should be arriving in a few minutes.
(Leela is standing outside the outer wall)
Leela: Here goes... it's a good thing I got the model with the grappling hook.
(A grappling hook shoots out of Leela's WristThingy (TM), arcs over the wall, and hooks it. She climbs the wall, vaults over the top, lands on the other side, rolling to a stop... in front of the armed guards...)
Leela: Uh... where's the ladies' room?
Guard 1: Hey, she got one eye, just like da boss!
Guard 2: Leave us bring her to him immediately.
(Leela takes up a fighting stance)
Leela's Brain: What are you doing? You want to see your dad!
Leela (putting hands up): Okay. I surrender.
(They bring her into the fortress, down a hall, into an office. There's a man sitting there, reading some reports off a computer screen. He's a handsome man in his mid-to late fifties, with graying blue hair, a beard... and one eye. An eye that widens in shock as he realizes whom his guards just brought in.)
Argus: It can't be...
Guard 1: We caught dis broad sneakin' around da complex, boss, an' we figgered dat, since she got one eye and you got one eye... you'd want a crack at 'er, know what I mean, huh? (winks)
Argus: I know what you mean. And if I ever hear you call my DAUGHTER a broad again, I'll have you thrown to the sand-sharks. Know what I mean? Huh? Now leave us alone.
(The two guards leave.)
Leela: It's true, then. I... I don't know. I thought I'd be angry at you for abandoning me, but... You're here. I'm here with you. We're here together. I'm babbling.
Argus: I... I'm sorry, I never thought I'd see you again, Toronga. You can't imagine how painful it was to leave you behind...
Leela: No, Dad... I understand. You were carrying out Mom's last wish.
Argus: You know about that?
Leela: Uncle Orb and Aunt Polly filled me in on most of it.
Argus: ...Sorry. I'm just struck by how much you look like your mother. Iris was... Listen to me go on. Tell me, what's going on with your life?
Leela: Well, after I graduated high school, I worked in fate assignment for a while, until I found myself getting disillusioned with it. Now I'm a ship's captain for an interstellar delivery service.
Argus: So you got to see the stars after all...
Leela: So, you're not exactly what I expected... I mean, you're a criminal...
Argus: I know that's what it looks like, but the truth is...
(The building shudders)
Leela (rubbing her forehead in annoyance): He didn't.
(It shudders again.)
Leela: He did.
Argus: Who did? And what did he do?
Leela: The idiot ordered a strike on the fortress! I can't beleive it!
Argus: What idiot?
Argus: Not ZAPP Brannigan? That moron has no idea what he's doing!
Leela: Yeah, that's what I tell everyone, but for some reason they actually still keep him in command. The guy must have incriminating holograms of the admirals or something.
Argus: No, I mean he has no idea what's going on here! His blundering is destroying all my careful planning!
Leela: What planning?
Argus: As I was about to tell you, I'm actually...
(The door bursts open, and Brannigan enters leading a bunch of DOOP troops)
Zapp: So, you have finally been caught, by me. The irony is delicious.
Leela: WHAT irony? What the hell are you talking about? Do you ever say anything that makes ANY sort of sense at all? Do you ever listen to yourself? I mean it. I have never heard anything remotely intelligent come out of your mouth!
(Fry, Amy, Kif, and Bender enter the now extremely crowded office)
Amy: Are we late?
Fry: Hey, is that him?
Leela: Yes, it's him. I'm sorry you couldn't meet him under less stupid circumstances.
(Zapp's ready room. Everyone's here)
Zapp: So what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Dangerous Criminal?
Argus: Just this.
(He punches Zapp in the face, knocking him flat on his ass)
Zapp: That was really uncalled for.
Argus: Hae you actually READ my file?
Zapp: I, uh, skimmed the relevant info.
Argus: I see. So, somehow, you completely missed the fact that I'm actually an undercover agent for the GBI?
Zapp: There was no such information in that file!
Kif (reading from the file): Note: Mr. Leela is an undercover agent for the GBI, on a mission to infiltrate Trepur H'Codrum's criminal empire. Under no circumstances are you to, in any way, endanger his mission.
Zapp: Well... It must've been in tucked away somewhere.
Amy (reading over Kif's shoulder): It's in the first paragraph, in huge, bright-red letters that blink on and off, under an even bigger heading that says "Make sure you read this!"
Zapp: Uhh.... Kif, how could you miss that! Consider your shore leave cancelled!
(Kif groans. Amy stalks off muttering in her other language)
Zapp: Now why would she be upset?
Argus: Well, Brannigan, since you've completely blown my cover and destroyed any chance of me completing my mission, I suppose I'll return to Earth. If my daughter wouldn't mind giving her old man a lift?
Leela: Try and stop me, Daddy.
(Bridge of the PE ship. Amy's flying, Leela's catching up with her dad)
Leela: So, how exactly did you wind up working for the GBI?
Argus: After I left you at the Orphanarium, I lost what little spark of life I still had after your mother's death.
(Flashback: Argus boarding a cheap-looking commuter starship)
Argus (VO): I couldn't stay on Earth, not after what I had done. So I decided to leave the planet forever.
(Argus in a seedy-looking bar)
Argus (VO): I tried drinking myself to death, but that didn't work. So, instead, I tried violence.
(Argus in a huge barfight. He's winning)
Argus (VO): But I was too good. I developed into something of a legend of sorts among the dregs of society. More often than not, I found myself helping anyone who was outnumbered. I never could stand bullies.
(Argus, in a different bar, fighting alongside a middle aged man with silver hair and a bionic arm.)
Argus (VO) Finally, I met the man who changed my life. His name was Joran Garos, and after I saved him from some of H'Codrum's thugs, he revealed that he was an agent for the GBI. He was impressed with my fighting skills, and recruited me for the organization. And I've been with them ever since.
Leela: I guess that's why you never tried to find me.
Argus: No. The truth is, it was my own cowardice that kept me from facing you again. I coninced myself that I didn't deserve your love.
Leela: It's okay, Daddy. We're together, and that's what counts.
Amy: Uh, Mr. Leela?
Argus: My friends call me Gus. And any friend of Toronga's is a friend of mine... especially someone as lovely as you.
Amy (blushing): Anyway, Mr... Gus, we're about to land on Exys Prime. You said you wanted to stop here for a few minutes?
Argus: Yes, I wanted to get something from a safety deposit box at the spaceport.
(The ship jolts slightly as it lands The door opens, and Argus prepares to get off. Bender walks up to him)
Bender: Well, great t'meetcha, Gus.
(He slaps Argus on the back. Argus gives him an odd look)
Argus: I'll be back in a few minutes.
(He leaves the ship and enters a small building.)
Amy (grinning): Your dad's HOT.
Leela (apalled): Amy!
Amy: I mean it, he's like some sort of Antarean god or something! Incredible pecs, an eye I could get lost in... (sighs)
Fry: Don't forget those broad shoulders... Uh, not that I noticed. I don't notice stuff like that. I'm all man! Really!
Leela (chuckles): Just back off. I like you, but not as a stepmother.
Amy: I'm just saying, is all.
(The sound of an explosion is heard, it rocks the ship.)
Fry: What was that?
(They look out the open doorway.)
(We see what she's looking at... the burning remains of the building that Argus just enetered)
(She bolts out the door. Fry and Amy follow her. She collapses to her knees, sobbing, a few feet away from the wreckage.)
Amy: Maybe... he got out somehow...
Fry: I don't see how, I mean, the whole place is on fire, and...
(Amy gives him a dirty look)
Fry: Uh, I mean, yeah, somehow...
Leela (oblivious, sobbing): It's not fair... I just found him... it's not fair...
(Amy puts a sympathetic hand on her shoulder, but she doesn't register it. They stand there for a lond time...)
(The next day, at PE. The conference room. Leela isn't here.)
Amy: I don't know, she seemed all right when we dropped her off, like she'd snapped out of it. I'm not surprised she didn't come in today, but she'll probably be back by next week. I really think one of us should've stayed with her, though...
Prof: Ah, that reminds me. We got a message from Leela this morning. She asked that it be played at the morning meeting.
(He slips a disc into the holographic player in the table. Leela's holographic image appears)
Leela: By the time you see this, I should be gone.
Fry: Oh my god, she's gonna kill herself!
Leela: I'm taking a leave of absense to track down my father's killer. Amy, you'll be the captain until further notice. I'll be back as soon as I've found justice. Oh, and don't even think of following me. I'm risking my life, not yours.
(The message ends.)
Amy: Well, you heard her, guys.
Fry: So we're going after her, right?
TO BE CONCLUDED... in "SECRETS AND EYES III: The One With All the Violence"