Episode Sounds: 3ACV03 - A Tale of Two Santas
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- Walter Cronkite: "Season's warnings, Linda and Morbo."
Bender: "This guy's too trustworthy! What's his angle?"
Walter: "In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season, we too often underestimate that murderous brute better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year's gingerbread massacre freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets, and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying 'I told you so'."
- Fry: "These letters are real (?). Listen to this one! Dear Santa..."
Girl: "Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun really tore up my insides."
Leela: "Awful! Let's read some more. Dear Santa..."
Boy: "Please bring me a coffin for grandpa! You choked him with a chestnut last year, and he's beginning to smell a lot like X-mas if you know what I mean."
- Santa: "Let's see who's been naughty...and who's been naughty. Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money! Very naughty. Shopkeepers not paying their protection money - exactly as naughty!"
- Elf: "We brought your mail."
Santa: "Don't you ever knock?! Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know!"
- Leela: "Consider this. You are programmed to destroy the naughty. But many of those you destroy are, in fact, nice. I submit to you that you are naughty, and that logically you must destroy yourself."
Santa: "Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing (?)."
- Fry: "Why aren't we moving?"
Leela: "I don't know! Usually when I do stuff like this, the ship moves!"
- Santa: "Ha! No human could do all that."
Fry: "Evel Knievel could!"
Santa: "Nuh uh!"
Bender: "Santa's right, we need some sort of robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot."
- Bender: "Duh, gee Bender, how you gonna get through these bars? I dunno, moron, suppose I bend them? Duh, ok!"
- Leela: "Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?"
Professor: "Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken mp3."
Bender: "Ho, ho..." *Professor shoots him* "Owww!"
Leela: "Professor! Don't you remember what I told you?"
Professor: "No!" *shoots him again*
- Bender: "Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?"
Girl: "Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy."
Bender: "And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?"
- Leela: "We're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocence."
Santa: "Do what you will, but we'll see who has the last ho."
- Fry: "We gotta think of another way to save Bender, or X-mas will be ruined!"
Leela: "Especially for Bender."
- Santa: "Look out, earth. I'm dreaming of a red X-mas."
- Mayor: "Ah, good old Maggie. When I pull the switch these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner."
Bender: "But Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane!"
Mayor: "It is for the witnesses because it's not boring!"
- Mayor: "Hey! Zero!"
Bender: "No, not the magnet! (sings) Swing low, sweet chariot coming for to carry me home. Swing low, sweet...
Fry: "This is horrible!"
Professor: "But at least it's not boring."
- Bender: "Santa, you saved my life! Please don't kill me!"
Santa: "Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho. I'm not here to kill you, Bender. I need you to help me save X-mas."
Bender: "Gee whiz, Santa. You want me to help you?"
Fry: "Don't do it! He's evil!"
Santa: "I know he is, but I have no choice. I'm running late. And if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be X-mas."
- Santa: "By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice."
Bender: "Ooh, hu hu. Hey chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here."
Santa: "Oh, it might appear empty, but the message is clear. Play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year! Ho, ho, ho!"