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[1ACV02] The Whaling Tune
(download 238kb)

Whalers: We're whalers on the moon,
We carry a harpoon.
But there ain't no whales
So we tell tall tales
And sing our whaling tune.

[1ACV02] Well, I'll Shoot Her With My Railgun When She Comes (download 174kb)

Bender: Well, I'll shoot her with my railgun when she comes,
Yes, I'll shoot her with my railgun when she comes.
Yes, I'll shoot her with my railgun, oh I'll shoot her with my railgun,
Yes, I'll shoot her with my railgun when she comes, when she comes.

I'll be blasting all the humans in the world,
I'll be blasting all the humans in the world,
I'll be blasting all the humans, I'll be blasting all the humans,
I'll be blasting all the humans in the world, in the world.

[1ACV09] Robot Hell Bonanza
(download 344kb)

Beelzebot: Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em.
We'll find ways to simulate that smell.
What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a panatella.
Here on level one of Robot Hell.

Gambling's wrong and so is cheating,
so is forging phony IOU's.
Let's let lady luck decide
what type of torture's justified.
I'm pit boss here on level two.

Ooh! Deep-fryed robot!

Bender: Just tell me why.
Beelzebot: Please read this fifty-five page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I.
Beelzebot: We checked around, there really aren't.
Bender: Then please let me explain;
My crimes were merely boyish pranks.
Beelzebot: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
Bender: Aw, don't blame me, blame my upbringing.
Beelzebot: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Beelzebot: Selling bootleg tapes is wrong.
Musicians need that income to survive.
Beastie Boys: Hey Bender gonna make some noise
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys.
That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five.

Fry: I don't feel well.
Leela: It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in hell.
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel.
Leela: Come on Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared.
So just sit back, enjoy the ride.
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide.

Beelzebot: Fencing diamonds, fixing cockfights,
Publishing indecent magazines.
You'll pay for every crime,
Knee-deep in electric slime.
You'll suffer 'till the end of time,
Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme.
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!

[1ACV13] Grunka Lunky Donkety Doo (download 237kb)

Grunkalunkas: Grunka Lunka Dunkity Doo,
We've got a friendly warning for you.
Grunka Lunka Dunkity Dasis,
The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis.

Grunkalunka /#1: Asking questions in school is a great way to learn.
Grunkalunka /#2: If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke.
Grunkalunka /#1: We once found a dead guy face-down in the Slurm.
Grunkalunka /#2: It could easily happen again to you folks.

Grunkalunkas: So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut,
Grunka Lunka Lunka Dunkity Dutt.

[2ACV01] The Legend of El Chupanibre

Dwayne: Gather 'round children, for the legend of El Chupanibre!
He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush
Silent as a low-flow toilet flush
Watch your step, 'cause sooner or later
He'll eat you whole, and half your alligator.

[2ACV01] The Legend of Bender

Dwayne: Gather 'round children, to hear the legend of Bender!
He came from above...
It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another guitar string.

[2ACV04] Xmas-Stealing (download 247kb)

Bender: On the fourth day of Xmas I stole from that lady
Robot /#1: Four familiy photos
Robot /#2: Three jars of pennies
Robot /#3: Two former husbands
Bender: And a slipper on a shoe-tree.

[2ACV04] Santa Claus is Gunning You Down (download 138kb)

Amy: He knows when you are sleeping.
Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Zoidberg: Ohh.
Hermes: You better not breathe, you better not move.
Bender: You better off dead, I'm telling you dude,
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down.

[2ACV11] You Gotta Do What You Love (download 632kb)

Hermes: When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town
With a foot and a half of water.
Everyone was alright, but I cried all night,
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order.

And they said, 'This boy's born to be a bureaucrat',
Born to be all obsessive and snotty.
I made my friends and relations, file long applications
To get into my tenth birthday party.

LaBarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.
Hermes: I was sortin', but I wasn't smilin'.
LaBarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing.

People, we didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
No, that's what almighty Jah made us.
We treat people like swine, and make 'em stand in line,
Even if nobody paid us.

They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
They say we're anal, compulsive, and weird.
But when push comes to shove, you gotta do what you love
Even if it's not a good idea.


Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.
Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.
Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye.
Bender: I am Bender, please insert girder.

Hermes: Everybody sing 'Jamaica'!
Everyone: Jamaica!

Hermes: Just the Bureaucrats.
Bureaucrats: Jamaica!

Hermes: The Grade 19's.
Morgan: Jamaica.

Hermes: Sing me Home!
When push comes to shove, you gotta do what you love
Even if it's not a good idea.

[2ACV11] Zoidberg's Song

Zoidberg: When I was two there was a tidal wave in...ohhh

[2ACV12] Atlanta

Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked,
Hundreds of miles from the area we now call the atlantic ocean.
Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism
That they moved offshore, becoming an island and an even bigger delta hub
Until the city overdeveloped and it started to sink.
Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away:
Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented Coca Cola, the magician
And the other so-called gods of our legends, though gods they were,
And also Jane Fonda was there.
The others chose to remain behind on their porches with their rifles
And one day evolving to mermaids and sing and dance and ring in the new.

Everyone: Hail Atlanta!

[2ACV15] The Popplers Song (download 45kb)

Fry & Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth
When you come to Fishy Joe's.
What they're made of is a mystery
Where they come from no one knows,
You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em.
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

[3ACV01] Leela

Zapp: I met her in a club down in old Soho,
we would drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola.
C-O-L-A, Cola.

Cook: He sickens me.

Zapp: She walked up to me and she asked me to dance,
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said
L-E-E-L-A Leeeeeeelaaa


bubububum'bubu'bum diddie diddie dididdiddiddida

Lalala'bum'bu'bum bum.

[3ACV13] Bender the Great

Bender: Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Well, Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride,
blah'blah'blah some Bender is great,
Froggie went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh.

[3ACV13] My Broken Friend

Bender: People say my broken friend is useless.
But I say his mind is free.
There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be.

Beck: Kick it!

Bender: Well he could make a good hat rack,
Beck: He only has to stand there.
Bender: Or a cheap doorstop,
Beck: He doesn't need to move.
Bender: Or a great big giant thermos with a twist off top,
Beck: That would be good for soup.

Bender: He could be a storage closet for outdated pants.
Beck: I like 'em tight.
Bender: My broken friend could do it all,
Beck & Bender: Just give him a chance!

Bender: That robot has a tragic secret
That I'd like to share.
Beck: For real?
Bender: My broken friend is closer to me
Than an ass to a chair.
Beck: Mmmm.

Bender: That robot's name I never told you, you could not foresee.
Beck: C'mon, give it up.
Bender: I say it loud and sing it proud,
Beck & Bender: His name is you and me!

Bender: Don't melt me down into a crowbar,
Beck: It suffers alone,
Bender: Just 'cause I can't move my arms and legs.
Or toss me into a trash can,
Just 'cause I can't cook you ham and eggs.
Don't crush me into an anchor,
Just 'cause I can't jump and dance and sing

I'm telling you, my broken friend...
Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!
I'm telling you my broken friend
Can do most anything!

[3ACV13] Fry Crack Corn

Bender: Fry crack corn and I don't care,
Leela crack corn, I still don't care,
Bender crack corn and he is great!
Take that you stupid corn!

[3ACV03] Elves song (download 723kb)

Elves: We are free and fairly sober with so many toys to build. The machines are kind of tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we gladly work for nothing
Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
All: The elves are back to work today
Elves: Hooray! We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts. And the labor isn't easy
Leela: When you all work triple shifts! You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super speed
All: It's back to work on X-mas eve...hooray

Leela: And though you're cold and sore and ugly your pride will mask the pain
Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
Elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain!

Elves: We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster and we're very very sorry
Bender: Why you selfish little bastards! Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk? Then shut your yaps and back to work!

Elves: Now it's very nearly X-mas and we've done the best we could
Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
Leela: And they're made from inferior wood
Bender: I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly
Santabot: If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye!
Elves: Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye
Leela: You did the best you could, I guess, and some of these gorillas are ok
Elves: Hooray! We're adequate!
All: The elves are resting X-mas day, hooray!

[4ACV04] New Justice Team Theme (download 400kb)

Go go go New Justice Team.
Fighting justice is their quest.
Super King, Clobberella and all the rest.
Here's to you, New Justice Team.
Do the things that make a team.
Help each other do some things.
Winners don't use drugs!
The New Justice Team!

[4ACV12] Bee Happy (download 338kb)

Amy: "In every life we have some trouble."
Bender: "But when you worry you make it double."
Together: "Don't worry, be happy!"
Farnsworth: "The landlords say your rent is late."
Hermes: "You may have to litigate."
Together: "But don't worry." *bee flies out of Bender's chest cavity and stings Farnsworth*
Bee: "Bee"
Farnsworth: "Happy!" *Farnsworth explodes*
Zoidberg: "Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style. Ladies vomit when I smile. But does Zoidberg worry? Feh! You wish."
Bee: "Bee" *stings Zoidberg*
Zoidberg: "Happy!" *Zoidberg explodes*
Hermes: "Don't worry now, Amy!" *bee stings Hermes, he explodes*
Amy: "Ok, I'm happy!" *bee stings Amy, she explodes*
Bender: "Take us home, Bender! Don't worry!"
Bee: "Bee" *stings Bender*
Bender: "Happy!" *Bender explodes*

[4ACV18] The Final Opera




Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses?
With courage in her female baby smile.


A savior from the stars.
Or something stranger still.


Or just a lonely filthy starving child!



Leela. Leela. Leela, save him.
Save Fry. Save Fry.
Godzilla will devour him.
As for me, I must be off
to have my doctor check this cough.
[cough] Goodbye.




To win Leela's heart
with the Holophonor's art,
I need hands of transcendental quickness.


Well, I don't see any danger
in gambling with a stranger.
For my head is of a most amazing thickness.
I'm stupid, I'm stupid
I'm stupider than you.
I'm stupider than you in every way.

SCENE 2 - ON STAGE [unscripted]


I want my hands back!


A deal's a deal!
Even with a dirty dealer!


Very well.
Then I'll take what I want from Leela!
Leela has promised me her hand.


Fry, you do not understand!
I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender.
The shame. The shame!
But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendor.
Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender.
He gave me mechanical ears.
Effective though just a bit garish.
In return without shedding a tear, I agreed
that I'd give him my hand!


In marriage!




You'll give me your hand in marriage!


Is this really happening or just being staged?


It can't be real.


Not if Leela is engaged.

REAL LEELA [to Robot Devil]

That isn't what I meant.
That isn't what I signed!


You should have checked the wording in the fine - print.

REAL LEELA [reading contract]

I'll give you my hand-


In marriage.


The use of words expressing something of the other than the literal intention.
Now that is irony.


I will marry her now and confine her to hell.
How droll. How droll!
Where Styx is a river and not just a band.
Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned.
Unless Fry, you surrender my hands!


Destiny has cheated me
by forcing me to decide upon
the woman that I idolize
or the hands of of an automaton.
Without these hands I can't complete
the opera that was captivating her.
But if I keep them, and she marries him.
Than he probably won't want me dating her.


I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving!


I can't believe everybody is just ad libbing.


By the powers vested in me by the state of New New York-

REAL FRY [pushes Robot Devil and Preacher Bot away]

No! Stop! Take my hands!
You evil, metal dork!

REAL ROBOT DEVIL [chops Fry's hands off]

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