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There's Something About Amy, Part Deux by Kryten

(The Number 9 Man, seated at a desk)

#9: Look, I'm not comfortable on camera. I'm strictly a background guy.

Director (off-screen): Just do the introduction, okay? Matt's tired of having to pay you just to stand around.

#9: All right. In our last episode, the crew, back from a dangerous mission to a planet populated entirely by gorillas, sat around and watched the news.

Director: And?

#9: Oh, and Amy accidentally swallowed the Professor's experimental pill for colonists of high-gravity planets, and is now ridiculously strong. There, you happy?

Director: Don't quit your day job.

#9: I didn't WANT to.

(Opening titles. Caption: Yes, these episodes are unusually short, aren't they?)

(Zoidberg's examination room. A seriously buffed-out Amy is laid out on the examination table; the rest of the staff is gathered around.)

Zoidberg (gravely): I'm afraid that the tests are positive; you're suffering from a terrible case of shell rot. I vould prescribe a topical cream, but for some reason the medical board von't let me do that anymore.

Prof: Zoidberg, please don't say anything ever again.

Zoidberg: Fine, I know vhen I'm not vanted. If anybody needs me I'll be in the East River scavenging for krill.. (exits)

Amy: So what's the story, Professor?

Prof: Well, Amy, the pill has seriously altered your body chemistry. You can now lift appromiximately forty metric tons, if you put your back into it.

Leela: And there are no side effects?

Prof: None that I can recall. Except that she now weighs 750 pounds.

Amy: WHAT????

Prof: Oh, my, yes. You see, to achieve this level of strength, I had to increase the subject's bone and muscle density.

Cubert: Wait wait, wait. Where is all this mass coming from? You don't expect me to believe that's from some sort of (makes finger quotes) extradimensional source?

Prof: I most certainly do, young man. Go to your room.

(Cubert exits grumbling)

Amy: Well, it'll be a lifestyle change, but I think I can get used to it.

Hermes: Well, if we are all done with this unscheduled downtime, we have an important delivery: 40 metric tons of styrofoam peanuts to the Planet of Useeless Packaging Material.

Fry: Hey, you could lift that, Amy.

Amy (sotto voce): Shut up...

Fry: And Hermes wouldn't have to requisition a crane or an antigrav sled...

Hermes: Fry's shockingly right. Amy, go load the ship.

Bender: Awright, it's about time someone else had t'do the manual labor.

Leela: As opposed to who?

Bender: I'unno. Usually gets done somehow.

(Hangar. Amy is maneuvering an immense crate into the cargo bay)

Leela: Okay, it's in. You can put it down now.

(She does. The ship sags a little under its weight)

Amy: Sure you don't want me to give the engines a once-over?

Leela: No, they seem to be running fine. You don't have anything to do until we get there.

Bender: Yep, if I was you, Amy, I'd forget about this whole engineering thing. Ya gotta great future aheada you as a pack animal.

(Amy starts sobbing and runs off the bridge.)

Leela: Bender, that was a horrible thing to say.

Bender: What? Y'said we should compliment her more. "Pack animal" isn't a compliment?

Fry: I got called a "packamina" once. I don't think it was an English word, but I'm pretty sure it was bad, 'cause I ran over the guy's dog.

Leela: I'll ignore that.

Bender: Awright, I'll apologize.

(He heads to the aft of the ship)

Leela: I don't know why I'm defending her. She's always insulting me.

Fry: It's not on purpose. She really looks up to you. She thinks of you as the older sister she never had, but, because she never had a sister, she doesn't know how to deal with it, and she overcompensates by being snotty.

(Leela looks incredulous)

Fry (nervous): But that's just a guess. It's not the sort of thing that came up when we went for ice cream last week.

(A crashing sound is heard coming from the aft. Bender waddles back onto the bridge, crushed like the old beer cans he's made out of.)

Leela: Bender, what...

Bender: Leela, you'da been proud o' me. I was sensitive, I was sincere, I was caring, and then she caught me goin' for her wallet. Lucky fer me, I was designed wit' a crumple zone.

(During Bender's speech, Leela is trying to contain herself. She finally bursts out laughing)

Leela (attempting to compose herself): I'm sorry, Bender, but you look so.... ridiculous! (bursts out laughing again)

Bender: Go ahead, laugh at my misfortune.

Leela: No, I'm done.

Fry (laughing): I'm not.

Bender: Bite my crumpled metal ass.

(Mess hall. Amy's sitting here, very depressed. Leela walks in.)

Leela: Are you all right?

Amy (not moving): I'm always being mean to you. I don't mean to, you just make me nervous.

Leela: You shouldn't be. You're a valueable member of this crew. And... you remind ME of the little sister I never had.

Amy (smiling): Fry told you about what I said at Baskin & Robots' last week, didn't he?

Leela: And he's passing it off as his own insight.

Amy: Okay.

(She straightens up, and her sweatsuit tears, reavealing her overmuscled arms.

Amy: Oh god, I'm a freak. Now I know how you must feel. (pause) I did it again, didn't I.

Leela: C'mon, sis. We'll deliver the styrofoam, you'll replace Bender's torso., and then we can drop you off at home on the way back to Planet Express.

(Later, back at PE)

Prof (cheerful): Ah, you're back. Where's Amy?

Leela: We dropped her off a half hour ago.

Prof: Well, I have good news. The strength pill should wear off by tomorrow morning!

Leela: Oh, she'll be so relieved. She's really having a difficult time adjusting to her strength.

Prof: And when it does, she'll explode! (pause) Wait, why am I so cheerful?

(Cut to Fry and Leela, looking shocked. Slide over to Bender, looking unfazed)

Bender: So what's the problem, we just get a welding torch and she's as good as new, right?


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