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Futurama created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen

Announcer: Futurama! Brought to you by... CASH! Available at better ATM's everywhwere.

(Opening titles. Caption: Now with 50% less cholesterol)

(Morning at Planet Express)

Prof: Good news, everyone! Thanks to my generous bribe, the New New York Ultra-Marathon route will pass directly in front of our building!

Fry: Joy.

Leela: Whoopee.

Amy: Huzzah.

Bender: Hooray.

Zoidberg: A medal you vant?

Hermes: Now, we want one a'you worker drones ta run in the marathon. Possibly in this gorilla suit. (hold it up) But probably not.

(Everyone grumbles)

Hermes: I'd better have a volunteer soon... in the meantime, meeting adjourned!

(Leela goes back to her copy of Sports Holo-Illustrated, Amy reading over her shoulder)

Leela: Mmmm, that clone of Derek Jeter is easy on the eyes...

Amy: Into athletic types, huh?

Leela: Oh, yeah. There's something about a well-toned body...

Amy: Heard that...

Fry (thinking): Hmm, gotta figure out a way to impress Leela...

Leela: Yep, nothing impresses me like an athletic guy...

Fry (thinking): Now, let's see... what impresses Leel-- hey, wait a minute!

(His memory plays back...)

Hermes: Now, we want one a'you worker drones ta run in the marathon.

Leela: Yep, nothing impresses me like an athletic guy...

Hermes: Now, we want one a'you worker drones ta run in the marathon.

Leela: Yep, nothing impresses me like an athletic guy...

Hermes: Now, we want one a'you worker drones ta run in the marathon.

Leela: Yep, nothing impresses me like an athletic guy...

Lenny: Dental plan!

Marge: Lisa needs braces!

Lenny: Dental plan!

Marge: Lisa needs braces!

Fry: Damn my nonexistant attention span! Where was I?

Hermes: Now, we want one a'you worker drones ta run in the marathon.

Leela: Yep, nothing impresses me like an athletic guy...

Fry: If I run in the marathon... Leela will be impressed!

Fry (out loud): I'll do it!

Prof: Excellent! Now all you have to do is lie down on the Disembowelotron 5000 and...

Fry: No, I mean I'll run in the marathon!

Prof (disappointed): Oh... (brightly): Zoidberg, could you please come here?

Zoidberg (jubilant): I'm helping science!

(Soon, at the health club)

Leela: Are you sure about this? You're dangerously out of shape. Even sweating wears you out.

Fry: Hey, I can handle it. It's just a marathon, right?

Leela: It's an Ultra-Marathon: It's twenty-six-point-THREE miles.

Amy: Fry, you can get hurt! I ran the Ultra-Marathon last year, and I had to spend three days in the hospital!

Fry: But you're in great shape.

Amy: Yeah, but I (mumbles)

Bender (teasing): What's that? I can't hear you!

Amy: You're gonna make me say it, aren't you...

Bender: Say what?.

Amy (embarrased): I fell down an open manhole. Okay, say it, and get it over with.

Bender: What? What kinda robot do ya think I am? Getcher mind outta th'trash...

(He storms off)

Leela: Okay, Fry, the marathon's in six days, so we're gonna have to train like crazy to whip that flabby body into something resembling a shape!

Fry: Don't worry, "workout"'s my middle name!

Hermes: Accordin' to your W-4 form, your middle name is "I forgot".

Leela (irritated): Let's get started.


Fry (whiny): I can't take this anymore! It's too much!

(Pull back to reveal that Fry's on a treadmill)

Leela: Oh, quit whining...

Fry: But I'm hot and sweaty and they keep playing the same N'Sync song over and over again...

Leela (grits teeth): Point taken...

(She leaves the scene for a minute... sounds of a struggle are heard... N'Sync is replaced by the Ramones (RIP Joey) )

Leela (returning) OK, now we're ready to really start wo--

(She notices that Fry's gone)

Leela: Great, where did he go?

(Accross the street, at Famous Cosmic Ray's (not to be confused with Original Cosmic Ray's) )

Fry: Now this is what I call a worko--

Leela: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Fry: I'm carbo-loading. It's important.

Leela: Uh-huh... (stares) You ordered lard as a topping.

Fry: Lard is a type of starch! Dr. Zoidberg said so, and he's a doctor! I think. I'm not clear on that...

Leela (groan): That's it. You're gonna embarrass yourself, and when you do, don't come crawling to me...

(She leaves)

Fry (dejected): Doesn't she see I'm doing this for her? Well, I'll show her. I'm gonna get into shape, and I'm gonna finish that marathon!

(Time passes: The day of the marathon arrives)

Linda: Welcome to the 375th Quasi-Annual New New York Ultra-Marathon! The race starts in just minutes, so I hope you caught my interview with the winner, tachyon-based lifeform 3x79b to the 5th power, three hours ago! So, who do you think's going to come in second, Morbo?


Linda (chuckles): Indeed they are, Morbo, indeed they are.

(At the starting line, Fry warms up...)

Fry: Piece of cake...

Amy: You sound confident.

Fry: Oh, yeah, it's in the bag.

Bender: Good luck, buddy! (whispers) If he dies, I get dibs on the carcass.

Zoidberg: You'll have to fight me to the death!

(The starter fires his pistol)

(Slow motion. The "Chariots of Fire" theme in the background. Shots of Fry running past various landmarks. Past crowds cheering his name. As he breaks the tape and wins. Closeup on his jubilant expression as we dissolve... to Fry, the same expression on his face, being carried on a hoverstretcher into an ambulance...)

Hermes: Poor honky bastard... he couldn't even make it past de first mile...

Bender: Yeah... who had "one mile" in the pool?

(Zoidberg raises his claw)

Hermes: What? Dat ain't right, mon!

(Everyone reluctantly gives up his/her money)

Zoidberg: Hooray! Everything's coming up Zoidberg!

(Ext. Taco Bellevue. Int. Fry's hospital room. The whole gang is here, with one notable exception...)

Chihuahua Doctor: No es malo. Ees only jus' small case of heatstroke. He'll be fine but he needs to stay teell mañana.

Fry: Thanks for coming. Nice to know SOMEONE cares.

Amy: She'll be here! Relax...

Fry: Right... (winks) Because she "cares". Uh huh. Thanks for lying to make me feel better.

(Goodbyes are said, and everyone leaves. Fry waits... and waits... and waits... finally, falling asleep...)

(Meanwhile, at the front desk...)

Leela (looking somewhat disheveled, carrying a battered "Get Well" bouquet..): What do you mean, "You're too late"? It took me forever to get here! There was a clog in the #4 tube, and then I got mugged, and then there was a giant monster attack...

Receptionist-bot: Sorry, but visiting hours are over.

Leela: But I need to see Mr. Fry right away.

Receptionist: Oh, in that case, go two blocks down, and turn left, and you might find someone who gives an owl's ass.

(She goes back to reading "Elle-ED Magazine". Leela sighs, and walks away.)

(Next day, at Planet Express...)

(Zoidebrg strides in, thumbing through (clawing thorugh?) a stack of bills and humming "I'm in the Money")

Zoidberg: Finally, Zoidberg is a somebody!

Bender: Yo, crabby, wassup?

Zoidberg: I'm trying to decide how to spend all this money I just won.

Bender: Yeah? Well, before y'go and waste it on nonessentials like food an' clothing, y'might wanna consider investin'. Make yer money work for you.

Zoidberg: Interesting... can you tell me more?

Bender: Sure. C'mon, chump, I mean chum, an' I'll introduce you to the wonderful world of high finance... the Bender way.

(He leads Zoidberg into another room. We switch our focus to a dejected Fry, sitting on the couch, watching nothing in particular on TV. Leela enters)

Leela (brightly): Morning, Fry. I'm glad that you're all right.

Fry: Really? 'Cause, y'know, I was under the impression that you couldn't care less.

Leela: Look, I tried to see you yesterday...

Fry: Well, you didn't try hard enough, did you?

Leela (chastened): Please don't do this to m--

Fry: I don't know what I evere saw in you, anyway. No mere mortal could ever please the great Toronga Leela!

Leela: But...

Fry: Maybe you should just go find a big pile of worms and love that. That's what you look for in a man, right? Parasites?

Leela: Look, I was feeling vulnerable that night...

Fry: YOU were feeling vulnerable? YOU were feeling vulnerable? The only reason I dumped the worms was 'cause I wanted to know what you thought of the real me. Well, now I know. And I'm done with you. From now on, we're not even friends. We're crewmates, and that's it.

(He storms off, leaving a shocked Leela... Amy enters, with a box of donuts)

Amy: Hope everybody likes Wumpusberry, because that's all they h--

Leela: Girl talk. Now.

(She grabs Amy by the arm and drags her into the kitchen...)

(We join their conversation in progress...)

Leela: And then I said "Oh, Fry, I love what you've become!"

Amy: Really? You said that?

Leela: And then he got rid of the worms. I mean, can you believe that? Making yourself stupid on purpose?

Amy: And let me guess, you were so outraged, you threw him out.

Leela: Well, yeah... I mean, at the time, I was outraged.

Amy: And it never occurred to you to think about his feelings, did it?

Leela: It's just... I have high standards...

Amy: Right, you've never dated a loser. Let's see... there's Captain Blowhard... there's the shapeshifting pentagamist who basically wanted a housemaid... there's Dr. Bland Normailty, who not only had the personality of cardbord, but wanted to make sure everyone else did, too... hey, stop me when I get to the loser...

Leela: Hey, wait a minute... I'm pouring my heart out to you, aren't you supposed to take my side?

Amy: Right, Leela can't possibly be wrong, can she? Guess I'm not good enough to hang out with you. Bye.

(She leaves)

Leela: B-but... (shrugs): Let's see... anyone else I can alienate today?

(Interior: PE conference room. Bender stands by an easel. Zoidberg watches.)

Bender: Friends, you too can take advantage of the B. B. Rodriguez investment plan! Just invest... how much ya got?

Zoidberg: Five hundred dollars.

Bender: ...five hundred dollars, and you could make as much as $500,000.00 in as little as two weeks! (to himself) For me.

Zoidberg (interested): Tell me more...

Bender: All you do is send one hundred dollars to each of these five people. (He indicates the names on the chart... they include Heinrich Von Bender, Yossi Benderstein, Hiro Bendihana, Mobuto Ubendi, and Giuseppe Bendini...) In turn, each of them sends $100 dollars to five other people and so on, until everyone in the galaxy is sending you money!

Zoidberg: Vait a minute... how do I know this isn't some pyramid scheme?

Bender (flipping page): Hey, whaddaya take me for? I don't do pyramid schemes. Mine is clearly a rhombus!

(He indicates... it is indeed a rhombus)

Zoidberg: I'm sorry, forgive me! I vas a fool to doubt you!

Bender: Hey, no problem. Now, if ya follow my plan, the results'll look somethin' like this...

(He flips the page, to reveal a crude drawing of himself sitting on a throne, being fanned by Leela and Amy, with the other PE staffers bowing to him.)

Bender: Oh, wait, that's a different plan. (flips the page again. This time, it's a crude drawing of Zoidy dancing around a pot of gold.)

Zoidberg: How can I argue vith such a pretty picture? I'm in!

(Cut to Fry and Amy...)

Fry: What did she say to you?

Amy: Nothing...

Fry: C'mon, tell me!

Amy: Sorry, it's between her and me...

Fry: It was about me, wasn't it?

Amy: Uh...

Fry: I knew it! It was about me!

Amy: Quiet! We're gonna...

(Alarms go off, and about half a dozen spotlights are on them. Pull back to reveal: Fry is in a tux, very Connery in a Brosnan sort of way. Amy's wearing a black leather jumpsuit.)

Amy: ...trigger the alarms...

(A man appears on the huge screen on the wall. He wears a white suit, and weighs about 400 pounds. He's bald, has an eyepatch. Needless to say, he's a villain...)

Dr. Skorpius: So, Mr. Fry, it seems our paths cross again...

Fry (suddenly suave as all hell): I'm the proverbial bad penny, Doctor. I keep turning up...

Dr. S: Indeed, but I'm afraid your luck has run out. You and agent Honey O'Plenty are finally in my clutches.

Fry: Do your worst...

Dr. S: Oh, I shall... tell me, Mr. Fry... what sound does human flesh make at 457 degrees?

Fry: Can't say I know...

Dr. S: You're about to find out... (Pulls a lever, and the floor drops out from under them) BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

(Fry and Amy drop onto a coveyor belt that leads to a furnace...)

Fry: Looks like we're caught between a fire and a fat pla--

(A phone rings...)

Amy: Aw, frap, that's my cellphone. Pause program...

(The conveyor belt and flames freeze. Amy and Fry begin to remove something invisible form their heads... quick cut: they're now standing in the hangar, wearing netsuits, and have just removed their helmets... Amy dashes for her teeny cellphone, which sits on the workbench. She picks it up...)

Amy: Hello? (Listens, smiles) Oh, hi, sweetie. I can't wait until ton-- (disappointed) You can't? But... he's what? Making you what his what? Ewww... Well, couldn't you just let the blade slip a little?... Right, court-martial, but probably worth it... OK, I guess next week it is... (makes kissy noise) Love ya. Bye.

(She hangs up, despondent...)

Amy: Well, that's it. It's too late to cancel the reservation, so I'm gonna wind up alone. I hate being alone.

Fry: Tough break...

Amy: You wanna come? I'll pay for your dinner.

Fry: Free food? I'm there!

(Ext: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. A placard (in AL1) advertises that the special is "Blackened Human with Mango Sauce")

Fry: And then she says "I love what you've become!"

Amy: She had no right to do that to you, y'know.. (nibbles on a breadstick...)

Fry: I dunno... maybe I shouldn't have gotten rid of the worms...

Amy: No, you did the right thing...

(They're interrupted by Elzar himself...)

Elzar: Hey, how ya doin'?

Fry: We're fine.

Amy: Yeah. Fine.

Elzar: What can I get you two lovebirds?

Amy: Uh, we're not...

Elzar: Never mind, I'll get you somethin' special. An' I'll throw in a copy of my book, "To Serve Man".

Fry: Uh, thanks...

(Elzar leaves. Int: Kitchen. Elzar prepares two orders of oysters. He douses them with sause from a bottle. Zoom in on the label: "Newman's Head's Own Wowie Sauce: Contains 124 known aphrodisiacs)

Elzar: This'll make sure they have one hell of a night...

(Cut back to Fry and Amy, enjoying their meal...)

Fry: Not bad...

Amy: Yeah... (mops brow with her napkin) Is it hot in here?

Fry: Maybe we should go cool off...

Amy: Right... (breathy) because I'm feeling really... hot...

Fry: Oh?

Amy: Oh, yeah...

Fry: You look hot too...

Amy: Do I, now?

Fry (leaning closer...) Absolutely...

(They lean in... then, suddenly, realizing)

Fry: Uh, we should go...

Amy: Yeah, I need a shower... a COLD shower...

Fry: Right... Cold, icy shower... that's exactly what I need!

Amy: Yes! That's what we'll do!

(Cut to the two of them asleep, naked, in bed... )

Amy (slowly opening eyes): Morning, handsome...

(She realizes who she's looking at, and screams. Her scream wakes him up, and he

screams too. They pause to breathe...)

Fry (panicked): Did we...?

(Amy looks under the sheets)

Amy: G'uh...

(A beat, as they process it. They scream again...

Nervously, they avert their eyes from ech other....)

Amy: Oh god oh god...

Fry: How did this happen?

Amy: We went to Elzar's, ate those oysters, and then... (buries her head in her hands) Oh god oh god...

Fry: Don't panic...

Amy (panicked): I'M NOT!!!


Fry: O.... kay....

Amy: I thought I was over this kind of thing... now I'll never be able to look Kif in the eye again!

Fry: Look, this is obviously just a fluke, okay? We'll just never mention it again, and it'll be like it never happened!

Amy: But wht if it isn't? What if we can't keep our hands off each other?

Fry: Just calm down.

Amy: Okay... (resumes normal breathing)

(They suddenly become aware that they're very naked)

Fry: We'd better...

Amy: Dress, yeah...

(Outside PE. They're ready to enter)

Fry: Wait, if we come at the same time, people will know something's up!

Amy: Right... but what if they know we're trying to hide something?

Fry: What if I come in late?

Amy: That's too obvious... I'll be the late one, OK?

Fry: OK... wait, what if they ask where we were?

Amy: You went to a movie, and I'm taing a course at the Learning Annex.

Fry: That'll work...

Amy: Uh huh... what course?

Fry: Intro to... uh.... zookeeping?

Amy: Why would I go to a course like that?

Fry: Why wouldn't you?

Amy (rolls eyes): Whatever ... Okay, do we have our stories straight?

Fry: I think so...

(Cut to inside PE. Fry walks in, trying to look casual...)

Zoidberg: Good morning, my friend....

Fry: I slept with Amy last night, okay? Leave me alone!

(He stops, realizes everyone's eyes are on him, including one in particular...)

Fry: Wait, let me rephrase...


Fry: What do you care? It's not like you have any interest in me, is it?

Leela (realizing she's betrayed herself): I mean, she's involved with someone.

Fry: Then it's between her and Kif. It's none of your business!

(Amy enters)

Amy: Hey, does anyone wanna hear about the zookeeping course I took at the Learning Annex? (off everyone's stares) What? (realizes...) You TOLD them....

Fry: They dragged it outta me, I swe--

Amy: You IDIOT! How COULD you!

Leela: How could YOU?

Amy: This is none of your business!

Fry: That's right!

Amy: Shut up!

Leela: YOU shut up!

Amy: What do you care, anyway? All you ever do is yell at him!

Leela: I yell at him because I worry about him!

Amy: You have a funny way of showing it!

Fry: Yeah!

Leela/Amy: SHUT UP!

(They all turn away from each other.)

(Enter Prof, jolly as he usually is.)

Prof: Good news, everyone! You're delivering fezzes to Bongo-5! It's a long way from here, so you'll be on the ship for several days, just the three of you! Isn't that lovely?

Fry: What about Bender?

Prof: Oh, he has the day off, what with it being Robo de Mayo and all.

Fry: Lucky bastard...

(They load the crap into the ship. CGI of the ship lifting off...)

(Back at PE... Enter Bender. He's wearing a fur coat, a top hat, and gold chains, and carrying a diamond stickpin)

Zoidberg: Ah, there you are, my friend. Vhen do you think the money vill be rolling in?

Bender: Wha? Oh yeah, the money. Well, ya gotta give it time. Say, a couple months, long enough fer me t'get a nice place on another planet wit' no extradition treaty.

Zoidberg: Excellent, excellent... and then I vill be rich, right?

Bender: Oh, yeah, absolutely. (rolls eyes)

(On board the PE ship. The three crewmembers can't face each other. Leela puts the ship on autopilot)

Leela: I'm gonna go take a nap.

(She heads toward the back. Fry and Amy look at each other.)

Amy: I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Fry: I'm sorry I blabbed.

Amy: Friends?

Fry: Yeah... There's just one thing I want to know...

Amy: What's that?

Fry: Was it just something we ate, or was there actually something between us?

Amy: I don't know...

Fry: Let's check, then...

(They lean closer. Kiss. Affection... but no heat.)

Amy: That's it, I guess...

Fry: Guess so. Not that I don't think you're cute.

Amy: Of course you think I'm cute! Everyone does!

Fry: And humble...

Amy: Well, at least it won't happen again, right?

(A beat... then they fall upon each other. The Big Smoochies.)

(Meanwhile, in her cabin, Leela dreams... She's in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle. She passes her friends one by one...)

Prof: Congratulations! The man of your dreams awaits...

Zoidberg: May you live happily ever after, until you bite his head off and lay your eggs in his stomach...

Leela: Thanks...

Hermes: I'll need you to sign dese things...

(He holds out a plate of cheese. Leela signs the cheese.)

Bender (in French): The best of luck to you both... (he takes a hot dog out of his chest compartment and smokes it...)

Amy: Miles to go, little Miss Muffet counting down to seven-three-oh...

Leela: Huh?

Scruffy: T'aint supposed to make sense. (He rubs his face with a mackerel)

(She arrives at the altar. Fry's waiting for her. She looks around. Zapp is the best man, Michelle's the maid of honor. The bridesmaids include Umbriel, Morgan Proctor, and Liubot, and the ushers are Adlai, Dean Vernon, and Alcazar. The priest turns around. It's her father, Gus.)

Leela: I can't believe we're finally doing this! It's like a dream!

(She takes his hand... which dissolves into a mass of squirming, wriggling worms... She screams)

Fry: What's the matter? Isn't this what you always wanted?

(Leela continues to scream as the worms begin to multiply and crawl up her arm. )

Gus: Quiet, you'll ruin the performance!

(Leela looks around. For the first time, she sees that the chapel and everything in it are on a stage in a huge, packed theater)

Gus: Everyone in the universe is out there, including us, so we'd better do this right!

Cubert (in the chapel): That makes no sense at all! One person cannot be in two places at once!

Cubert (in the audience): I agree! It's completely preposterous!

Gus: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Leela (staring at the worms, now up to her elbow): I object!

Gus: You can't object, you're the bride! Now, do you, Quivering Mass of Worms in te form of Philip Fry, take Toronga Leela to be your lawful wedded wife, to crawl over, burrow into, and infest, as long as you both shall live?

Fry: I do!

Gus: Then I now pronounce you man and--

Leela: WAIT! Don't I get a say in this?

Gus: Of course not! This is the man you've always wanted. You have to marry him!

Leela: I don't want him!

Zapp: Who do you want? Is it me?

Leela: No. I want.... FRY!

(She awakens...)

Leela: I want Fry.

(Back at Planet Express. Zoidberg and Bender are doing nothing in particular)

Zoidberg: So this is vhat being a vealthy man of leisure is like. It feels oddly like not having a life..

Bender: I hate Robo de Mayo. Nothin' ever happens...

(Smitty and URL burst into the office, guns drawn.)

Smitty: Freeze, slimebags!

Zoidberg: I can't, my slimebag must be kept at room temperature, or else I vill perish...

Smitty: Don't get smart with me, smarty. We got a tip that someone was running an illegal rhombus scheme!

Bender (pointing at Zoidy): It was him! I'm just a harmless dupe! He's he criminal mastermind! Look at that sloping brow!

Zoidberg: That's it, I'm taking you down vith me!

URL: Y'all in it deep, suckaz...

(PE Ship... Leela, walking down the corridor with a purpose.)

Leela: That's it. I'm gonna open that door, and there'll be no turning back.

(The doors to the bridge open. Leela bursts through)

Leela: Fry, I love you!

(She stops, in shock. There, in front of her, Fry and Amy are makin' out like crazy)

Fry (not stopping): Leela, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that!

(Exterior shot: Planet Express building)

(Fry and Amy are making out on the examination table, and looking really guilty about it. Fry keeps stealing glances at Leela. Leela stands off to the side, while the Professor looks Fry and Amy over and takes notes, occasionally shaking his head...)

Leela: What's wrong with them, Professor?

Prof (looking at his notes): Hmmm... I seem to have written page after page of complete gibberish. That's odd... Anyway, watch what happens when they're separated, using this scientific crowbar.

(He pries them apart... Immediately, they begin writhing in pain...)

Prof: As you can see, they can't stand being apart for even a moment...

Leela: What's causing it? It's not... love, is it?

Prof: Let's run the Love-ometer...

(He returns to Fry and Amy, who have resumed uncontrollable smoochies. Pulls out a device resembling a blood-pressure tester, except it has two armbands. Slaps one on Fry, and one on Amy, and begins pumping. The display reads "Platonic Friendship". He then removes the armband from Amy and straps it to Leela. The display now reads "Early stages of romance")

Leela: Then...

Fry: That's right. You're the only one I'm thinking of.

Leela: Then let go of her!

Fry: I want to, believe me!

Prof: Quite impossible. Subjects Fry and Wong have recently consumed a large number of aphrodisiacs. In scientific terms, they are "Whacked out on Wowie Sauce". Curse your dreamy eyes, Paul Newman!

Leela: But it'll wear off, right?

Prof: Oh, my, no. You see, normally, Wowie Sauce is harmless, but in two out of every seventeen billion cases, the aphrodisiacs don't wear off and must be manually purged. In other words...

(He flicks a switch. A display reads "Dramatic musical sting on standby")

Prof: ... Fry and Amy must make love... or die!

(Closeup on Leela, with a DMS, followed by Fry and Amy, then the Prof, then Scruffy... then out the window to random bystanders, who look startled. Some of them run.)

Bystander: It's a runaway dramatic sting! Run for your lives!

(Ext., New New York Municipal Court)

Judge Whitey: Can we wrap this session up? I have a pedicure scheduled for 5:00.

Bailiff: People v. Rodriguez and Zoidberg, your honor.

Judge: Prosecutor?

(Prosecutor Verman (a giant ratlike creature... yeah, I know, aren't all lawyers like that?) approaches the bench)

Verman: Your honor, the defendants stand accused of running a rhombus scheme...

Jusge: Right, right... is this about money?

Verman: Yes it is, your honor.

Judge (bangs gavel); Guilty!

Bailiff: Uh, we're supposed to have a trial?

Judge: Huh? Oh, right... the so-called (finger quotes) "constitution". Very well... Defense?

(The Hyperchicken gets up, tucks his wings inside his suspenders. Begins to pace back and forth, very Matlock-like)

Hyperchicken: Now, yo' honah, ah'm just an ol'-fashioned country hyperchicken lawyer. Ah may not have a lot o' fancy book-larnin', or be a member of yo' hoity-toity Bar Assosiation, or anythin' like that. But what ah do know is this: ah have absolutely no idea what ah'm flappin mah beak about.

Zoidberg: Ooh, he's good.

Hyperchicken: Now, mah clients may be guilty. Matter o'fact, they probably are. So, if it please the court, ah move that ah be slapped silly fo' this heah ridiculous openin' statement...

Judge: Agreed. Bailiff?

(The bailiff bitch-slaps the Hyperchicken.)

Bailiff: How's that?

Hyperchicken: Much obliged, suh.

Verman: Your honor, I intend to prove beyond a doubt that the defendant is guilty of not only this crime, but every crime committed in the last six months, including the Great Maglev Robbery...

Bender: That's crap! I wuz cheatin' war widows that day, an' I got proof!

Judge: You're out of order!

Bender: No, YOU'RE outta order! The whole freakin' system's out of order!

Judge: Okay, that's it. You were warned about Jack Nicholson impressions. One more, and you're in contempt!

Bender: No, YOU'RE in contempt! The whole freakin' system's in contempt!

(The judge presses a button labeled IN CONTEMPT. Bender gets a nasty shock...)

Bender: Ooooooooh, yeah.... that's some good contempt, baby...

(Back at PE)

Prof: So, you see, there's no alternative. Your lives depend on getting horizontal with each other!

Fry (pulling away from Amy): Forget it. I'm through being unfaithful to Leela. I'm gonna stay true to her even if it kills me!

Leela: Aw, that's the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me!

Amy: Hello? Also doomed here?

Leela: Oh, right... well, we don't want YOU to die...

Fry: But... aw, man there's gotta be some way, right? Hey... how about we....

(Cut to PE lounge. Leela is on the couch, reading a fashion magazine...)

Leela (Amy's voice): I'm too nice.

(Interior, the conference room, which is now a makeshift Lovenasium. Scented candles, lots of velvet, Barry White playing in the background, cham-paggen shilling in a bucket of ice... Fry and Leela in Amy's body have just consummated, and are now cuddling in post-snu-snu bliss...)

Leela: Our first time... wht did you think?

Fry: It felt kinda creepy, y'know, 'cause it wasn't your body...

Leela: I know... it's like I'm wearing clothes that are a size too tight. I can't wait 'til I have my body back!

Fry: Me neither... when does the brain swap wear off?

Leela: Should be around... (something changes in her eyes...)

Amy (groan): He forgot to carry the one...

(Back in court...)

Judge: Now, the theft of money is a very serious crime. However, I understand that all the money was stolen from poor people. Therefore, I have decided to lighten the sentence. Thirty days! (bangs gavel)

(Cut to: a prison corridor)

Warden: Here's yer cell, prawn boy.

(Zoidberg looks around. It's a typical dingy prison cell.)

Zoidberg: Vhat's this? My very own hard cot? Hot and cold running rats? A self-filling vater bowl? It's like a dream come true!

(Meanwhile, in Bender's cell...)

Bender: At least they didn't lock me away with Shellhead...

Voice: Hey, boy...

(He turns. Two hillbilly-bots (Bubbabot and Cletus Unit 77) occupy the cot.)

Bubbabot: You got a real purty simulation of a mouth....

Bender: Oh, crap.

Cletus: I bet I can make you squeal like a squeal-matic...


(Cut to: Fry and Leela, back in her own body. Fry's in a tux.. Leela's in a lovely light blue gown...)

Leela: I'll say this for you... you picked a really interesting place for a first date.

(Pull back.... they're in a small boat. In the background is Dr. Skorpius's compound.)

Fry: Well, I thought you'd like it.

Leela: Amy doesn't mind? I know she wrote this program for the two of you...

Fry: She insisted. I think she ws getting tired of it anyway.

(He pours champagne for the two of them)

Fry: To us!

(They clink glasses. The compound blows up real good, while they drink.)

Leela: And the end of Dr. Skorpius!

(They kiss. Pull back, as, in the background, Katey sings Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better". Fade to credits.)

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