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SECRETS AND EYES: The Truth About Leela by Kryten

(Futurama created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen)

(Note: Takes place after "On a Wong and a Prayer")

(Opening Credits. Caption: We got yer gross violation of physical laws right here.)

(Interior: Planet Express hangar. Fry and Bender are scrubbing the ship)

Fry: I don't see why we have to do this. The ship's so clean I could eat off of it.

Leela (irritated): Fry, I've seen you eat off a toilet seat. You're one of the most disgusting people I know.

Bender: Oooh, she NAILED ya, Fry.

Leela: Shut up, Bender, I don't have time for your crap today.

Bender: Aw, I thought ya liked my crap!

Leela: And YOU, Fry, if you got any stupider and lazier, you'd qualify as furniture.

Fry: B-but I have papers! See?

(He holds up a legal-looking document that says "This is to certify that Philip J. Fry is a human being and not furniture")

Leela: And as for you, Amy...

Amy (poking head out the ship): What'd I do?

Leela: You've been scrubbing the fuel ducts for over an hour. If you paid as much attention to your job as you did to your sex life, maybe you'd be done by now.

Amy (indignant): Maybe if you gave Nibbler more roughage, we wouldn't have this kind of buildup!

Leela: Why don't you check the mail? I think the new issue of "Slut Weekly" came in.

(She strides out, leaving Amy fuming, Bender stewing, and Fry shocked.)

Amy: W-well... you have... UGLY BOOTS!

Bender: What crawled up her ass and died?

Fry: I used to think that was a figure of speech, until we got attacked by the Kamikaze Anus Lizards of Zorakulon Twelve.

Bender: Those were the days, man...

Fry: Anyway, she's probably upset about her birthday coming up tomorrow.

Amy(slaps head): Right! She's gonna be thirty. I bet that would make me cranky.

Fry: I think it's deeper than that. I don't think she's ever had a decent birthday. Remember two years ago, when we all got her the same six-pack of tank tops? Or last year, when she got swallowed by the Altraxian Gorillasnake and we had to get her out the hard way?

Bender: That was unpleasant for all concerned.

Fry: Well, this year it's gonna be different! This year, Leela's gonna have the happiest birthday anyone ever had!

Amy: So, what are we gonna do?

Fry (dramatic): I have no idea!

(PE employees lounge. Fry, Amy and Bender find Zoidberg on the couch, bawling his eyes out)

Fry: You ran into Leela, didn't you?

Zoidberg (sobbing): She said I vas an ugly, incompetent qvack!

Amy: Aw, you're not... Uh, I mean, you're definitely not a... Well, she probably didn't mean it.

Hermes (entering): Are we badmouthin' Leela?

Bender: Yep.

Hermes: Dat woman called me a small-minded beaureaucratic simpleton with me 'ead up me ass!

Fry: We're not badmouthing her!

Bender: Speak fer yerself. Did you know she slept with Zapp Brannigan?

Hermes: We all know dat already, mon.

Zoidberg (confused): She slept vith Brannigan?

Amy: She's just upset 'cause she's turning thirty.

Hermes: Thirty, eh? Dat means I have to make 'er sign form 9704.44B, the "Permission to Turn Thirty" form. (exits)

Bender: Great. Now we can plan his funeral, too.

Cubert (entering): Leela just called me a fat little know-it-all that nobody likes.

Fry: Called it.

Amy: Sounds about right.

Zoidberg: Suddenly, Zoidberg's not looking too shabby, eh?

(Leela enters. Everyone falls silent)

Leela: When Hermes regains consciousness, tell him I went home. And if any of you are even thinking of planning anything for my birthday, I'll make all your lives a living hell. (exits)

Zoidberg: The joke's on her, my life's already a living hell.

(Interior: Leela's apartment)

Leela: Nibbler! Did you eat the new rug?

(Nibbler whimpers apologetically)

Leela: Oh, I know you don't mean it. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I've been snapping at my friends all day for no real reason.

Nibbler: Rrrm?

Leela: Sure, they're lazy and selfish and slutty and anal-retentive, but they're all I have, really.

Nibbler: Eek ak ak?

Leela: You're right, they're probably planning something elaborate for my birthday tomorrow. (sigh) Which is exactly what I don't want.

Nibbler: Ak ak eek!

Leela: I know they're doing it because they care about me. It's just that birthdays bring back bad memories. I never had a family, I never even really had friends until I went to work at Planet Express three years ago.

Nibler: Eek ak eek eek!

Leela: You always give such good advice. I guess I should try to be more patient with everyone.

Nibbler: Hrrrr?

(Fry and Bender's apartment, Fry's room. Fry, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Prof. Farnsworth are gathered. Most of them are seated on the couch, Prof. and Zoidberg are on folding chairs.)

Amy: ...So I can get the upstairs party room at the Hip Joint, and I know some of the guys in the house band.

Bender: I'll take care of the catering. Elzar owes me a favor.

Hermes: Ya mean you're blackmailin' him.

Bender: I didn't have ta tell 'im about the mouse I found in the rat ratatouille. I coulda gone straight t'th'health department.

Prof: Pfah! All this talk of bands and catering... this is the worst plan for an invasion of Neptune that I've ever heard!

Zoidberg: Ve're invading Neptune now? This is gonna be some party.

Prof: Party? Egads, I'm at the wrong meeting. (gets up) So long, everyone. I'll show myself out. (leaves)

Bender: Now that we got the party planned, it's time fer some home movies.

Hermes: Would ya mind much if I simply leaped out de window to my death?

Bender: Ah, c'mon, it'll be fun.

(He turns off the lights and opens his chest cavity to reveal a projector)

Bender: I made 'em outta my memory files. See, here's me stealin' stuff. Here's me stealin' other stuff. Here's me stealin' the first stuff again. Ooooh, here's me stealin' more stuf. Hey, here's where we went into the sewers and met th'mutants!

Fry: Wait, stop there.

Bender: But we ain't at th'good part yet.

Fry: Back row, on the left.

Amy: Hey, yeah!

Hermes: I see it too, mon! Zoom in!

(We zoom in. We can now make out a male and female cyclops in the crowd of mutants.)

Amy: You think it's her parents?

Hermes: If dey aren't, maybe dey at least know dem!

Fry (dramatic): To the sewers!

(Sewers. Fry and Amy lead the way, carrying what look like flashlights)

Zoidberg: It's so damp and foul-smelling... I could have a summer home here.

(Bender stumbles along in back, without his eyes. It's now clear what Fry and Amy are holding.)

Bender: C'mon, guys, give 'em back!

Fry: Not 'til we get to the village.

Hermes: Do you hear breathin'?

Amy (checks wrist-thingy): Behind us... it's something big!

Hermes: We'd better move!

Amy: No time, it's too fast! It's at five hundred feet... four hundred... three...

Bender: We're boned.

Amy: Two hundred... one... FIFTY...

(A huge worm comes up behind them. It's just like the one in "Dune")

Dwayne (O.C.): Rupert! Stop that now!

(Rupert whimpers)

Dwayne: Gotta be firm with him. Welcome back to our village, surface dwellers.

Fry: You remember us?

Raoul: How could we possibly forget the ones who rid our village of the dreaded El Chupanibre?

Violet: So (snort) where is that cyclops that was with you?

Fry: That's kind of why we're here. (He holds up a picture of the two cyclopes from Bender's home movies) Have you seen these people?

Dwayne: The first time I saw her, I thought there might be a connection... come with me.

(Outside a shanty in the village. Dwayne knocks)

Dwayne: Orb? Polly? There's some surface dwellers here to see you.

Orb (inside): Send 'em in.


Orb:... So you see, we've been guarding this secret for thirty years.

Fry: Well, don't you think Leela's old enough to know the truth?

Amy: We're throwing a party for Leela tomorrow. You can come and tell her in person!

Orb: You mean... up there?

Polly: We owe it to Toronga, Orb.

Orb: Very well. But you'll guard us from the hideous land creatures, right?

(The following night. Outside the Hip Joint)

Leela: Once more into the breach, Nibbler. Maybe we can sneak out early.

(They enter the club. The bouncer, a huge apelike creature, indicates that they should go to the private room upstairs. She enters the room. The whole gang's there, in front of a banner that says "Happy Birthday, Leela")

All (Singing): What day is today

It's Leela's birthday.

What a day for a party

Let's all have some cake!

Fry: Happy birthday, Leela!

Bender: Yeah, congartulations on not being dead yet, skintube. I'll be at th'bar.

Leela (forced): I can't believe you went to all this trouble!

Fry: If you like this, wait 'til you see what we got you.

Leela (thought V.O): Here it comes, fifteen identical pairs of big boots.

Fry: Your uncle Orb and Aunt Polly!

(Everyone steps aside to reveal Orb and Polly. They've been cleaned up and given new clothes.)

(Leela stands there, shocked. Then she starts looking angry.)

Leela: Cute. You knew that I have no family, so you go and hire actors to pose as my fake aunt and uncle. Good one. Let's all have a good laugh at the orphan.

Orb: It's the truth, Leela. We're your mother's brother and sister.

Leela: Look, joke's over. Give me my fifteen pairs of boots or whatever it is you really got me, and I can go home with what's left of my dignity, and eventually forget that you were actually cruel enough to do something like this to me.

(Orb and Polly look pained)

Polly: I'm sorry you don't believe us. But we're telling the truth! I AM your aunt! He IS your uncle! What can we say that will make you believe us?

(Leela snaps out of denial mode)

Leela (tearing up): It's true, isn't it? (Orb nods) I can't believe this. Last year I got eaten by a snake. This year, I get a family. It's... I can't tell you all how much this means to me. It's just... Do you even realize what a wonderful thing you've done?

Amy: Well, it was mostly Bender's idea.

Leela (surprised): Really?

Amy (grinning): Of course not. It was Fry.

Fry: I just wanted you to have a decent birthday for once.

Leela: Let me show you how decent this birthday was.

(She kisses him full on the lips. A big "WOOOOOOOO!!!" from the crowd)

Fry: I, uh think I have a cousin of yours in the back room.

Leela (grinning): Quit while you're ahead, Fry.


Leela: So I'm not an alien?

Orb: No. You're a mutant, like us.

(Flashback:: a younger Orb and Leela, working on a farm in the mutant village. With them is another cyclops. She looks exactly like Leela, except her hair is darker.)

Polly: Your mother's name was Iris Phemus. We all lived together on our guano farm on the outskirts of the village.

(A new cyclops arrives. He looks kind of like a young Cary Grant, if Cary Grant had blue hair and one eye.)

Orb: She met Argus Leela when she was twenty. It was obvious from the moment they locked eyes that the two of them were meant for each other. And it wasn't long after that that before you came along.

(Flash forward to Leela's birth)

Argus: She has your eye, darling.

Iris: She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Little Toronga. I think she'll see the stars someday, Gus.

(Cut to the mutant Village graveyard)

Polly: She was gone less than a week later.

(Flash forward. Argus, carrying Leela, approaches the box of abandoned property)

Orb: Before she died, Iris made Argus promise that you would get a chance to gow up on the surface.

(Argus leaves Leela in the box of abandoned property. He watches from the shadows as the orphanarium director finds her and brings her in.)

Orb: So he left an anonymous tip with the orphanarium, and made sure they found you. After that, he was never seen again.

(Back to the present. By now, everyone is listening in rapt attention.)

Hermes: If you'll excuse me I have to go and (breaks down sobbing) tell me mommy I love her!

LaBarbara (trying to keep composure, failing miserably): Come on home, now... ya big ol' softy. (puts a sympathetic arm around his shoulder and leads him out)

Amy: Yeah... they drive me crazy but... (breaking down) I-I have to go too. (leaves)

Fry: (Sobbing): My parents have been dead for a thousand years. I can't tell them I love them!

Zoidberg (blubbering): Mine vere eaten by seagulls before I vas even hatched!

(They completely lose it and start crying on each others' shoulders)

Bender: You skintubes'r all a buncha saps. (nonchalant) Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm devlopin' an oil leak... in the vicinty of my eye.

(he leaves hurriedly)

Orb: I suppose it's time for us to go too.

Leela: Wait... I have some vacation time coming up. I'd like to come visit you.

Prof: Excellent idea! Let's all take some time off. I myself am planning to visit Neptune. (rubs his hands together in anticipation)

(A week later, the garveyard in the mutant village. Leela is leaving some roses on her mother's grave. The tombstone reads:



"No mutant loved

or was loved so deeply")

Amy (coming up behind her): I thought I'd find you here.

Leela: So, how was the ranch, Amy?

Amy: My parents were so surprised that I showed up, they actually stopped nagging me... for about three hours. But I think they might have some respect for my career, after I fixed their generator.

Leela (sigh): I'd kill to be nagged my my mother.

Amy: I"m sure she's proud of you, wherever she is.

Leela: So, where's Fry?

Amy: He's with the ship. Did you know that the Professor rigged up some kind of time-phone so that Fry could call his parents and tell them he's all right?

Leela: I guess he does have a heart, after all.

Amy: So, you ready to go back to work? We have a crate of toupees to deliver to Shatneria.

Leela: I think I'm ready. Just... give me a couple more minutes.

(Pull back. Fade to credits)

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